near the tracks

200 plus 1

2010-12-30T08:40:00.002-05:00

After 200 blog posts... this being my 201st, I think I'm going to close this blog.
I have started a new blog. A blog I'm already very happy with.
New. Fresh. Happy. Changes.

This blog has been through so much. Ups and downs... so many downs. It's time for change.

It's time to be jenn :-)

happiness in blue

2010-12-24T17:07:00.004-05:00

I'm standing in the bookstore killing time before we go get our traditional Christmas Eve dinner and there it is, in BRIGHT blue, a book that catches my attention: The Happiness Project.
I thumb through its pages and then immediately look at its prices: $25.99.

"I'm not paying that!"

Then I continue to read and think.

I'm not happy. Something is wrong with my life. I just might need this book.

So from here I'm going to walk to the register and purchase myself a Christmas present, a new beginning.

personal

2010-12-19T20:34:00.002-05:00

Not too long ago I had a personal ad. That's how I met Construction actually.
Well, this weekend I decided to dig up that ad and read it, I was curious as to what I had written that was so captivating to this guy who is now so distant.

"I love smiles. I’m looking for a guy who will make me weak in the knees with his.
The sound of laughter makes me laugh. I want someone who is going to make me laugh or better yet, laugh with me.

I’m a mom and all the things that go with it. I’m more patient, understanding, open-minded, and a few other qualities someone might/should find important.
I'm a college student, an active board member for a local non-profit organization and I work in the local school system.

A guy that can go with the flow is a super bonus. A man who knows how to communicate his wants, needs and desires but is not going to forget to listen to mine. We get comfortable in life and our communication levels often stay on the surface. I like to think I’m deeper and more passionate than that. I want to know why the grass is green and the sky is blue. A simple yes or no answer does not always work for me. I will challenge you, because I want to be challenged.

I used to think I didn’t know what I was looking for but as time passes I’m becoming more aware that I really do know; it’s just a matter of finding that person."

So after reading that... I don't have that. I'm not seeing it. I've lost it.
The new year is coming and so are new changes. I'm tired of crying. I can't handle being depressed anymore. Anxiety is not friendly and to top it all off... I can't afford the medication that is supposed to keep me sane. Shit's deep around here; good thing I have some new Bogs!

2010-12-14T21:11:00.001-05:00

I don't know where I am

My heart races. I can't breathe.

Is this depression? anxiety? bipolar? I don't know.
I do know I don't wish this on anyone. Anyone at all.

When it's good, it's good. When it's bad...it's really bad.
Sent from my U.S. Cellular BlackBerry® smartphone

feels good... feels fine

2010-11-29T21:00:00.003-05:00

So here's the deal... and I almost hate to blog about it because I feel like if I do, I'm going to totally jinx myself but I need to write. My world is a mess. I'm a hot mess. Hello Train Wreck!!

I've been seeing this guy for almost 5 months. That is quite a while in my world. Why, it has yet to be determined. I'm used to super sonic speed in my dating world and things always crash and burn when that happens. They not only crash and burn... but they crash fast and burn hard.

This one is different. Slow different. I don't even know what to say, but after spending the weekend with him, having some conversations, not only with him but the shrink-- I feel at peace.
I feel like I'm going to be alright with continuing on with seeing this guy, even if things are super slow and completely out of my comfort zone... and even if my friends don't like him. I think I'm going to be ok.

I went to work today not feeling mad, angry or even sad... I just went to work. After work I went to the gym... ran 2 miles and did a short workout.
I went home and didn't drink... didn't feel like I had to. I ate salad and made one for tomorrow's lunch.

Changes... they're going to happen. It feels good... it feels fine.

single but not

2010-11-22T12:21:00.004-05:00

I'm dating someone. Have been since the end of July.

But here's the kick in the knees... he doesn't want a relationship.

So in all reality, I'm still single.

This is how a conversation I had recently went:

Random Guy: You Single?

Me: I am.

RG: Want to go out for coffee or something sometime?

Me: I'm dating someone

RG: I thought you said you were single?

Me: I am.

RG: But you're dating?

Me: Yea, he doesn't want a relationship.

Can you wrap your head around this one, because I can't.

Stepping back and looking in... I'm a friggin' idiot!

bottoms up

2010-11-17T21:24:00.004-05:00

I drink.

I never used to. At least not like I do now. Weekdays. Weekends.

Last weekend I drank and woke up not remembering a whole bunch of events from the night prior. I barely knew where I was.

Maybe you could say I have a problem, maybe you could say I don't because I've seen people who drink a hell of a lot more than I do, and DO a LOT worse than I do and/or have.
Excuses.

I know that if I don't do something, what-- I'm not sure- it is going to get worse. Way worse.
I have an addictive personality. I'll latch on to this and not let go. It WILL get worse and WILL get harder to kick.

I haven't had a drink since Saturday night. I want to really bad. I also want to dump every single drink I have in this house down the drain because what occurred Saturday night and Sunday morning put one hell of a scare in to me.

Like I said... I don't know who I am anymore.

I don't want the same people around me anymore. I don't want my job. I don't want to live in the same house. I want to start over somewhere; anywhere but here. I've already dropped out of school.

This whole thing is starting to scare me but at the same time, I'm not living in this world; someone else is.

b, b and well b

2010-11-17T21:19:00.005-05:00

If I could live off beer, bacon and bread and NOT worry about getting fat (again)... I would!

Oh... and should I mention, drinking seems to have entered in to my world?

It has.

Sucks.

reality

2010-11-16T20:09:00.002-05:00

I don't know who I am anymore.

2010-08-29T16:51:00.003-04:00

I miss her.

... her crazy sense of humor
... her chocolate chip cookies
... her reading to me
... watching her do crossword puzzles
... always seeing a People magazine on the bedside table
... running threw her sheets right after she'd hang them up on the clothes line
... Eskimo kisses
... her compassion
... her passion
... her special nickname for me
... Connect Four
... her jewels
... the smell of White Diamonds
... our visits

In the end, all we have is memories.

may you rest

2010-08-24T01:07:00.004-04:00

You passed away 12 hours ago.

Somebody has bigger and better plans for you.

I've never been a believer of God. God doesn't take people you love away from you. He doesn't hurt you. He doesn't cause you grief or pain. He always has a bigger and better plan.

But today, today I believe.

Today he took you from us. He has a bigger and better plan for you.
Much bigger.
You were tired, hurting, and had lived an amazing life. It was time.
We all loved you to our greatest capacity. I believe we even loved you above and beyond that, and you most definitely loved us.

I know you may have spent the past 7+ years in nursing homes but I truly believe you had an amazing life. A life full of love and happiness and now it is time for you to have peace.

May you always have unlimited visits to Hawaii with Grampa who has been patiently waiting for you for 25 years, may you eat macadamia nuts till you're about to explode, here's to hoping you will always be by the ocean, the place you always took me to, and may there always be a crossword puzzle ready to complete.

Love you always,
Jenn

why I run

2010-08-17T22:09:00.003-04:00

I never ran. I never even exercised before. Ever.
I'm the girl who couldn't lose weight so I had to have gastric bypass surgery or my future was not going to be that sunny shade of yellow I needed it to be.

8 years after surgery I'm running and it feels good.
I have been able to keep the weight off with just the guidance of gastric bypass but it's becoming harder and harder everyday, so I decided it was time to do something else.

This is the addiction I chose.

It has been a slow starting progress but I am getting there.

I run because...

... it's peaceful
... rewarding
... exhausting. After I'm done, I take some of the greatest naps!
... energizing. I do some of my best housework when I return from a run!
... I need discipline
... I need motivation
... I'm tired of saying "I wish I could run like that" when I see someone run
... I want to be that person people see and say "I wish I could run like that"
... I'm learning knew things about my body
... I want my son to grow up and see me doing something healthy
... someday, maybe my son will run with me
... it has built connections with people I never knew existed
... I look at myself differently
... I think about myself differently
... I want others to look at me differently
... I am no longer the girl who "just had gastric bypass"
... I am doing something physical
... I want to race in a 5K
... or more.
... I want my races to be for charities so my growth is their gain.

I run because I want to!

making progress

2010-08-11T14:44:00.002-04:00

I'm so sorry I haven't been keeping up with ya'll blogs (this Mainer just said ya'll-- we never say ya'll; funny) anyways... but I will soon. Promise.

Since the whole fiasco with Mr. I'm going to Date You but Put up A Personal Ad has happened I've buckled down and become very serious with working out and running. Taking care of me.

and YES!

Running.

I started the couch to 5k program and absolutely love it! I'm even enjoying my gym workouts. I have no idea who I have become but I think I can deal with it.

So today's interval was a 5 minute walking warm up then 20 minutes of running finishing with 5 minutes of walking.
I am so excited that I was able to run at least 20 minutes, I signed up for a 5k race!

Do you remember last year I talked about the Dempsey Challenge?
Well, I decided this year, I'm going to have my first 5k race not only be about my progress but be for someone else; those who need it! It's really not about me, it's about them.

So this is what I'm asking you, my readers. Please consider donating to the Dempsey Challenge.
We've all been affected by cancer. It may not have been us personally but it has been someone close to us; a mother, father, brother, sister, grand parent, even a neighbor.

I have to raise $150 in donations, please spread the word and make my first 5k race one that will be memorable not only to me, but also to you and to those your donations will help in the future.

Thank you.

Click Here to Donate

before facebook

2010-07-30T15:07:00.003-04:00

breaking up was so much easier.

You could keep it private or you could go public with it when YOU were ready, now you really can't. It's out there like a gay drag queen. LOOK AT ME!!! (no offense to gay drag queens of course)
Damn you facebook for making things just a little more complicated.

Someday I'd like to be able to break up with the internet like a bad boyfriend, but I don't ever see THAT happening!!

a positive note

2010-07-27T08:45:00.003-04:00

This may be a little TMI but whatever...

Something I have realized that I really enjoy about having a long distant relationship, a relationship where your boyfriend has a personal ad on a dating site, or even when I'm single all together is I get to wear "granny panties".

Yep, my nasty ugly underwear. The ones I would never want anyone to ever see yet the ones that are the most comfortable on my ass. They offer the most loving for my rear.

Just saying.

private investigation

2010-07-25T22:08:00.003-04:00

The Boyfriend knows where to find this here blog.

But... I've recently read his (active) match.com personal ad.

Isn't life a bitch!?!

the internet

2010-07-21T18:25:00.002-04:00

can drastically change your life.

For the better. For the worse.

One web site has just turned my world upside down.

Rattled my brain, killed my appetite and has made me throw up a little.

Disgusting.

say what?!

2010-07-17T06:27:00.003-04:00

Now... I do NOT always believe in astrology but it IS always fun to read about. Somedays it is spot on- others not so much.

Yesterday's horoscope went a little something like this:

Someone is making wedding plans! Whether that is you, or someone you love, the atmosphere will be exciting and romantic, and for once, you won't be in the mood to fight it. Expect all kinds of phone calls with good news. Don't spoil it by gnawing on the details.

Somedays I am better off NOT reading my horoscope and yesterday was definitely one of those days.

who was I kidding

2010-07-14T18:33:00.003-04:00

30 days of me?

Did I really think I was going to be able to start AND finish something. Apparently I did, but typical Jenn style, I didn't finish.

So... this is what we have left...

Day 18: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19: A talent of yours
Day 20: A hobby of yours
Day 21: A recipe
Day 22: A website
Day 23: A YouTube video
Day 24: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25: Your day, in great detail
Day 26: Your week, in great detail
Day 27: This month, in great detail
Day 28: This year, in great detail
Day 29: Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30: Whatever tickles your fancy

and because I love each and every single one of you... I am going to continue my track record of not finishing. Should you want me to answer one of these... let me know and your wish is my command.

Until then... on with regular posting.

feeling crazy

2010-07-14T09:07:00.004-04:00

Life has changed.
I wouldn't say drastically, but it has changed enough that I sometimes have to step back and really look at what is happening.

The Man lives 115 miles away. 2 hours away therefore I spend 4 hours a weekend driving. I'm not complaining but in all reality- it sucks. Looking at the bigger picture The Man lives near my hometown, where I grew up; an area I have avoided like the plague for the last 10 years.
Now I look forward to going there every weekend. What the heck is wrong with me!?!!

Oh yea... I've been bitten by the love bug.

I've been bitten so bad I've started a new job search. A job search that would relocate us. My family. The family that includes Cole, Baxter and of course yours truly.

I have tried to explain how I feel about this man, about this situation, and well... whatever else pops up in my mind and I truly cannot. I feel like I've gone mad.

Almost instantly when I saw him, I knew. He was going to be my last date. He was going to be my last first kiss, but every kiss feels like the first.

How do you explain all this to people? How do you tell someone you know that this man you've only known a short time really is it. I've heard that when you know, you know. People say you can feel it instantly. It's not something you have to develop over time; it's either there or it's not.

Well baby, it's there.

wouldn't ya know

2010-06-28T10:34:00.003-04:00

I met someone...

... and he's amazing!

friends

2010-06-23T19:04:00.003-04:00

I'm not going to sugar coat this but I need to expand my social circle. I need more friends.

I have a small, real small, group of friends that I keep in touch with on a regular basis and well, that's it.
I moved away from my hometown about 10 years ago in hopes of starting over, making new friends, rebuilding... ya know-- the whole works and I'm back where I was before the move; feeling very lonely.

My best friend Amanda is going through some pretty serious life changing experiences right now and I'm doing my best to help, but I don't have a magic wand and my thoughts, ideas, and verbalization's are... 99% of the time what she probably does NOT want to hear. So I have to step back and let it be I guess.

Another friend of mine, Ed, has found himself a gal and well, the rest is history.

So about expanding that social circle of mine? This isn't going to be easy.

30 days: day 17

2010-06-22T23:58:00.004-04:00

Day 17: An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

Back when I took an art class I had to replicate a painting and this is what I chose. Georgia O'Keeffe's painting of The Lawrence Tree.
Such a stunning tree. This painting can be hung in any direction because the interpretation is the same: you are under the tree looking up.
Love it!

30 days: catch up

2010-06-22T23:34:00.004-04:00

Day 13: A fictional book
Day 14: A non-fictional book
Day 15: A fanfic

I'm skipping the book posts despite my great love of books. I have a really hard time with coming up with my own reading material, never mind referring something to you. I might recommend something at a later time. I'll keep you up to date when I do though :-)

Day 16: A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

This song is so incredibly powerful to me. My Dad introduced me to this song and Cowboy Junkies back in the day. The first few times I heard it with him I can remember that strong man crying and I have had that very same reaction since.

it hurts sometimes

2010-06-22T23:18:00.003-04:00

I have a lot to say and have said quite a bit but ever feel like nobody is listening?

They hear you but they don't really hear you.

I can only say and do so much but because I care my heart seriously aches.

At this point, I'm going to sit back and not get involved... again.

This is going to be so painful.

reading

2010-06-14T18:42:00.005-04:00

{source}

...and I can feel my mind, heart and soul changing... and wanting to change.

Amazing.

30 days: day 11

2010-06-13T15:45:00.003-04:00

Day 11: A photo of you taken recently

Nothing crazy, fancy or spectacular. I was sitting in construction... patiently waiting of course, and decided to snap a picture of myself.

30 days: day 10

2010-06-13T15:36:00.004-04:00

Day 10: A photo of you taken over ten years ago

I believe I'm 4 in this picture. Check out my grandfather smoking the Camel non filter's! Ohh and that yellow chair!! That ugly chair stayed in our family for years!

I miss them both.

30 days: day 9

2010-06-13T15:18:00.004-04:00

Day 9: A photo you took

This was taken a few years back, you can tell because he is so tiny!
I took Cole to Fort Knox on a nice cool day to do some exploring. We always have a great time when we go.

I strongly encourage you to check out the link and read about the Fort and the Observatory our great state has. I'm so lucky to have this right in my back yard.

30 days: day 8

2010-06-13T15:01:00.005-04:00

Day 8: A photo that makes you angry/sad

This is the tree that is in front of the house we used to live in. The home we moved to when Cole was only 20 months old and then left when he was 7. We both did a lot of growing there.

I miss this tree! It used to bloom beautiful flowers and you were only able to enjoy them for a few days, but those days were absolutely amazing.

Leaving everything behind that is/was connected to that house still makes me sad.

not a sub

2010-06-10T20:35:00.002-04:00

because....

I GOT THE JOB!!!

I'm so excited I could pee. I'm like brand new puppy excited.

I'm that excited. I don't think I'll be able to sleep for at least a week.

hot damn!!

30 days: day 7

2010-06-08T18:49:00.005-04:00

Day 7: A photo that makes you happy

I absolutely love this picture.
I was laughing while trying to take our picture and he was having no part of it. (but notice that cute little smirk of his)
...and that is just how he started out 2nd grade... a little more independent and serious than the year before.

30 days: day 6

2010-06-08T18:43:00.002-04:00

Day 6: Whatever tickles your fancy

Do not facebook stalk.
I repeat... do not facebook stalk.
I wish I could elaborate but I think we all know enough about this and what happens or doesn't happen.
If we're meant to know, we'll know. You go hunting for it-- you're bound to not like what you're going to find out.

...consider that my PSA for today.

you're welcome.

30 days: day 5

2010-06-08T18:35:00.002-04:00

Day 5: Your favorite quote

I read this everyday. It's on my refrigerator to remind me of my transformation, everything I have been through and will continue to go through.

Sometimes it is just what I need to get through my day.

30 days: day 4

2010-06-08T18:25:00.004-04:00

Day 4: Your favorite book

The fact that my favorite book is a children's book shouldn't surprise you.

I can remember my Gram reading this book to me and shortly after Cole was born, I bought him his own copy.

It's just that special!

30 days: day 3

2010-06-05T12:30:00.002-04:00

Day 3: Your favorite television program

It used to be ER. I cried when the season ended. I mean criiiiiiied! But then I found a new love and I know I will cry when this one ends next fall, on the 10 year anniversary of 9/11.

But there is no question, no doubt in my mind this is my favorite!

Rescue Me

Often times this show will leave me in tears, begging for another episode right away, or sitting on the edge of my seat! Oh, and let's not forget- Denis Leary, well he's easy on the eyes.

30 days: day 2

2010-06-05T12:22:00.002-04:00

Day 2: Your favorite movie

Again... I have a few favorites but I think this one stole my heart because of one line in particular. It's the romantic in me I guess.

30 days of Me

2010-06-05T12:10:00.004-04:00

This is going around and because it looks like fun I'm actually going to do it. I normally don't follow trends but what the heck right? Oh... and I have a few days of catch up to do so hang tight!

30 Days of ME
Day 1: Your favorite song
Day 2: Your favorite movie
Day 3: Your favorite television program
Day 4: Your favorite book
Day 5: Your favorite quote
Day 6: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 7: A photo that makes you happy
Day 8: A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9: A photo you took
Day 10: A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11: A photo of you taken recently
Day 12: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13: A fictional book
Day 14: A non-fictional book
Day 15: A fanfic
Day 16: A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17: An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19: A talent of yours
Day 20: A hobby of yours
Day 21: A recipe
Day 22: A website
Day 23: A YouTube video
Day 24: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25: Your day, in great detail
Day 26: Your week, in great detail
Day 27: This month, in great detail
Day 28: This year, in great detail
Day 29: Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30: Whatever tickles your fancy

Favorite song!

I have many favorite songs but I think this is at the top of my list. Not just because of the song but the video gave me goose bumps the first time I saw it and continues to.

just a sub

2010-06-03T16:19:00.004-04:00

I'm just a sub.

That's what I keep telling the kiddo I work with because she has high hopes I'll be her one on one ed tech next year.
In a few short days my job will be over, because I'm just a sub, and someone else will have the possibility to grab it and go.
BUT because I don't want to just be a sub I applied for the position.
I want this job! I need this job. To have some stability would be an amazing thing at this point in my life, in my son's life.
I submitted my resume, application and three great letters of recommendations.

Then I waited. And waited. I even waited some more and started to lose hope so I applied to other places for anything, anywhere I could submit my resume to.

Today, while at work I received a message to call the superintendent's office. I have an interview scheduled for next week!!

An interview!

I'm crawling out of my own skin. To sub I did not have to interview, it was a strange process but whatever.
I have to interview on Monday. I'm horrible at first impressions! Give me a few days and I can schmooze my way into your heart but there is no way in hell I can bat my eyelashes and make you my bitch in less than an hour!

Seriously.

I need to capture these people. This is super important because I'm up against people who have more qualifications than I do but I've been subbing for this position. Ya follow?

So... help me out. Give me all your hints, tips, tricks, advice! I want this so bad I can taste it.

...and it tastes so sweet.

right now

2010-06-02T19:22:00.000-04:00

this song just makes me feel happy and gives me hope!

a lot can happen in 8 years

2010-05-27T18:16:00.004-04:00

8 years ago this week I had gastric bypass. A decision I have regretted about 90% of those 8 years.

My life has forever been changed. When I say forever, I truly mean forever.
My brain and my body image do not match. They never will.
Food is my enemy. I have nightmares about said enemy, where I will wake up in a cold sweat.

The days where I could eat a pizza, bag of chips AND guzzle a soda are forever gone.
Do I miss them? Hell yes!
There is nothing more convenient than popping open a soda, guzzling that shit down and calling it good.
But when I dig deeper into that question, no-- I do not miss it at all. Those things are what made me fat to begin with.

300 pounds fat.

My food choices still are not perfect, they never will be. Ya know, the whole enemy thing.

Once you have an eating disorder you'll always have an eating disorder!

But today something struck me while I was at the grocery store. A woman came up to me, a woman who herself has had gastric bypass, and she wanted to ask me a question about skin removal. (I had that done 6 years ago this week also)

She asked and I answered.
She then proceeded to tell me I was so beautiful, she just wanted to look like me.

Amazing.

I guess if anything, the past 8 years of crying, throwing up a million different kinds of foods, skipping on the red meat and soda, welcoming bipolar into my life, having friends not understand you, your surgery or your lifestyle just might have been worth it after all.

punched in the gut

2010-05-26T20:05:00.005-04:00

Tonight Cole's father called, inviting him to go camping for the weekend.

To the average person this sounds exciting, but in our home this causes insane amounts of frustration and pressure.
Cole has a hard time being away for more than 2 nights and the fact that dad actually wants to do something as elaborate as camping was a shocker in itself.

Cole and I had a discussion about the camping trip, when it would happen and where it would be. At first he was excited but then... the anxiety set in.

He's not sure.

So much truth came out of my little boy's mouth tonight I'm not sure how to feel. I just know it's my job to protect him to the best of my ability but when the law says you must send your child to the other parents house, my hands are tied.

Cole is bothered by his dad "being old". The man is almost 51, I'm 30. So yes, to a 9 year old- he's OLD.
He smokes. This makes poor little Boy Child absolutely sick to his stomach. All those advertisements of the old corpse looking man that's smoking has my child scared to death!
I was informed tonight that when he goes with dad, "I get a funny feeling in my tummy."
Now having been a child of a divorce I know that feeling all too well. Especially when you don't trust the other parent. My son doesn't trust his father or his older brother.

I'm sick.

I casually said to him, "dad told me you tell him all the time you wished you two spent more time together..."
Cole immediately replied with no hesitation, "I say that so he won't get mad... or even sad"

I asked him if he says things to make me happy, and again no hesitation... "never momma, I tell you the truth."

I could only cry.

they add pleasure to life

2010-05-18T18:53:00.003-04:00

I can't even put in to words how this video makes me feel, but I will tell you it hit close to home and it made me cry. A lot.

Please watch.

Q&A from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

throwing my hands up

2010-05-16T19:17:00.004-04:00

"give up for good and he will show up"

That's the advice I was given today from a friend who has been in a crazy ass unstable relationship* for the past 12ish years.

Is that really true? If I just "give up" this person, whom I'm meant to be with, will just show up? Unexpectedly of course.

I'm not so sure I believe it. I've thrown my hands up. I've walked away. I've cried. I've even screamed and stomped my feet. Nothing.

I'm just not so sure anymore.

*but I still stand by her

Jose!

2010-05-14T19:57:00.004-04:00

I vow to you I will become an alcoholic if next week is a repeat of this one.

My drink of choice?

Margaritas.

Fruity.
On the rocks with a nice salted or maybe a sugared rim!

I decided

2010-05-08T18:03:00.003-04:00

Today would be a great day to graduate from college!

So I did!

an open letter

2010-05-03T18:57:00.003-04:00

Dear Sir:

Your priorities are fucked up. Plain and simple. Get a clue.

Sincerely,

Someone who is sick and tired of being sick and tired.

role reversal

2010-04-28T17:34:00.005-04:00

Three.
That's my favorite number. I don't know what it is about that particular number, but it just makes me happy.

At work I park in the third parking space on the right hand side. I have ever since I started and even when I came here to sub. That sweet beautiful space was always open.

Today I pulled in to the school parking lot and noticed a car in that spot!

I gasped. No, really, I did!

Someone took my space and there she was walking away with her giant purple umbrella opened up above her. I've seen this woman before and she has her own damn spot!
I notice these things and apparently today she didn't want to walk, in the rain, the extra 20 steps to get to the school WITH an umbrella protecting her crazy hair!

GREAT!

She's messed up my routine, I can see where my day is going, so I parked right next to her... spot number four and continued on with my routine.

I love walking in to the classroom. The students always greet you; the other teachers are always smiling and also greeting you. It's really a great place but today... I walk in and there she is... crazy hair lady putting away her purple umbrella, in MY closet. Damn substitutes!

Seriously!

You would have thought today was a Monday.

(ohh... subs are awesome, I really do love them!)

announcing

2010-04-27T18:59:00.006-04:00

Other moms proudly blog about their children; announcing their adventures, accomplishments, and those "kids say the darndest things" moments. They post their pictures and announce their names yet I haven't written much about Boy Child since I started this blog because I've always been so nervous about subjecting my son to "the blogging world" so to speak.

Yet due to recent events I think I am going to change that.

I want everyone to know how amazing Boy Child is. How big his 9 year old heart really is. He has amazing compassion and passion for just about everything and anything his little hands and eyes come in contact with.

Boy Child loves to read and will converse with you about those books for as long as you will listen. His drawing ability is progressing day after day. He has a crazy love for numbers.

Words sometimes cannot describe him and words definitely cannot describe the love I have for this child. As much as I want to be selfish and keep him all to myself, I'm starting to feel this HUGE need to share him and his love with others.

Internet, I'd like to introduce you to my son...

Cole

In Loving Memory

2010-04-26T19:29:00.003-04:00

The internet is a powerful place, a place where strangers become friends, much needed friends.

Amanda introduced me to this amazing woman, Hallie and her blog Wonderful World of Wieners.
But you see, I never took the time to read Hallie's blog, I just listened to what Amanda had to say and her words were always powerful. This woman is amazing and has an incredible love for her family.
Then the other day Amanda mentioned Hallie again... but something about her tone and her facial expression was different. This was not the expression she normally used when she spoke of Hallie; something was wrong.

Hallie's oldest son, CJ passed away unexpectedly. He was 20.

Being that Amanda and I are both mothers to boys we shared a moment of silence and continued on with our conversation, but of a different topic.
As the days passed... I read the obituary and then blog posts also became posted. I started reading about this amazing young man and have now shed many tears.
Tears for a mother, tears for a family and tears for my friend who has, over the years grown incredibly close to this family through words.

Words that will touch your heart and soul.

Please help this family by keeping them in your thoughts.

Written in Loving Memory of

Christopher John “C.J.” Twomey

on behalf of Hallie, John and Connor Twomey

by Dayna and Kimmy.

Words are at times, inadequate, and often hard to come by. This is the hardest thing we have ever had to write. It is with deep sadness that we tell you that on April 15^th, Christopher John “C.J.” Twomey, the beloved son of Hallie and John, big brother to Connor, passed away unexpectedly, leaving behind his heart-broken family and friends.

Please take a moment to read C.J.'s obituary. In the middle of all their sadness, Hallie and John were able to find the strength to write a beautiful and loving tribute to their amazing son.

Those who loved C.J. are left to miss his infectious smile, to wish to hold him again, to have him saunter into a room and make us all laugh. We wish we could talk to him, to watch him love the way that he did, with his whole heart. In short, those who loved C.J. are longing for the future we were all supposed to have with him. Hallie and John are heart-broken, are struggling to understand the events of the past week and are focusing on making sure their son Connor, who has shown grace and maturity well beyond his 16 years, knows and feels the love of his parents at this very difficult time.

Hallie, John and Connor have received an overwhelming amount of support over the last week from friends nearby who have stood with them through horrific circumstances, to the calls of support and the messages sent through text, email, Facebook and many other mediums. They know that so many of you are hurting as well.

Even in the mist of incomprehensible pain, Hallie and John continue to think of others. Despite their own pain, they remembered the pain of Hallie’s dad as he was waiting for a heart and became a recipient himself. In C.J.'s final hours, Hallie and John made the heroic decision to donate his organs. This week, 56 families felt the joy of hope for their family, even in the darkest moments for C.J.’s family.

Many have asked what they can do for the family and we have thought of a few suggestions:

Pray for comfort. Hallie, John, Connor and their extended family have pain that is indescribable; please offer up prayers that comfort can come to them.

2. Continue to send messages of support. The messages of support they have received mean more than they can express right now. Messages sent through Facebook, her Blog, or for those who have the ability, text messages of support are appreciated. While they are not able to respond, they are reading them, and it does lift them in support when one more step or one more breath seems like it’s just too much to take.

3. Make a donation. Kimmy and I have set up a fund called the "Twomey Family Benefit” for the family to use as they see fit – for funeral expenses, for a memorial for C.J. or maybe even to just be able to get away as a family and spend time grieving the loss of their beloved son. Many of us felt the need to do SOMETHING, and being far away, and knowing that we can't take away the emotional burden, this felt like something we could do to help.

If you are inclined to make a donation, you can simply walk it into any TD Bank and ask to make a donation to the "Twomey Family Benefit" (these exact words must be used). If, however, you do not have a TD Bank near you (as they are only located on the East Coast) you can simply mail a check to:

TD Bank

200 US Route 1

Falmouth, ME

04105

The checks should be made payable to the: “Twomey Family Benefit” and should also include those exact words in the memo line of the check.

Any questions can be directed to Kimmy at: kimmy@maine.rr.com

We know that this time, for all of us, is shocking and difficult to comprehend a life cut so short. We hope and pray that you can take a moment to hold those you love tight, tell them you love them and cherish every moment.

Love like C.J. did, with his whole heart, and give to others freely.

May we all find comfort...

Dayna & Kimmy

vacation

2010-04-21T17:39:00.003-04:00

Being that it is April vacation for the local school kids I am also on vacation.

Million dollar question: what are you doing during vacation?

NOTHING!

I don't have the funds to take Boy Child anywhere nice, warm, and/or fancy. One of these vacations we will go somewhere and that somewhere will take longer than 2 hours, or maybe even 4 to get there. We will see amazing things and do fantastic activities.

/dream.

I'm bored. What I really want to be doing is working. Working at school with the kids. Helping them with their learning. (not mine, because mine is no longer important, well it is, but I'm pretending otherwise)
I want to send Boy Child off to school so he can be learning, spending time with his friends, and appreciating the after school time with me more, because he misses me during the day of course!

I'm just bored.
Something is missing. I need some sparkle, spunk.. pizazz.

something.

I'm back

2010-04-18T10:01:00.002-04:00

...and I did it!

I landed a long term substitute position. Wait, that calls for many exclamation points!!!
Although I do not have a classroom and I am not teaching I am in the school system doing things I love; working with crazy and wild children!

I am in hopes that I will be offered this position in the fall; pending displaced teachers do not want it (seeing they have first pick) or the future budget cuts don't affect this position either. Education is a scary place right now!

With my new job not only am I physically exhausted, I am completely drained emotionally.
But I am constantly entertained. Constantly.

I work with a teenage girl so I see lots of things... things like the teenage boys with their pants down half way around their butts. I'm always telling them, "pull up your pants!" or when they say rude, crude and obnoxious things, "watch your mouth!"
The teenagers these days are definitely not disciplined like we were growing up. If I ever acted like these kids do when I was growing up, chances are pretty good my father would have inflicted serious bodily harm upon me!

Oh and let's not forget, they're having sex at 13. SEXUAL INTERCOURSE!
Seriously!?
That scares me for what I'm about to see in 5 years when Boy Child turns 13. A lot can happen in 5 years. Yikes!

Well anyways... I'm glad to be back. I had to mark a lot read in my reader but I'm going to do my best to keep up and update better and more often. I have missed everyone!

a matter of name

2010-03-23T18:25:00.005-04:00

When I first started subbing I introduced myself as Miss (insert last name). Then as my co-workers (I guess that's what they're called) started introducing me to the kids when I would take over a classroom or what not, I was being called Mrs. (insert last name).

I'm not a Mrs. but I'm getting to the age where I'm not really a Miss either. Maybe more so a Ms. (gross)
So rather than taking the time and effort, which is needed for something else, to correct these people I am simply known as Mrs. (last name)

No questions. No corrections.

I'm just flattered they think I'm married.

no tears for me

2010-03-21T20:51:00.004-04:00

Here it is 9pm on a Sunday and I am exhausted!
I miss the days when I could stay up till 11pm and function the next day just fine.
Granted I wasn't working or doing anything productive but I was still functioning. Barely.

I just finished a take home midterm that was assigned over the weekend and was going to watch a movie that I rented from redbox, but due to the nature and contents of unsaid movie I have decided that I am going to just go.to.bed!

I do not need a sappy chic flick to make me more aware of what I do or do not have in my life. I do not need a movie to open the water gates that I have done an amazing job keeping under control lately.

So rather than sitting on the couch with tissues either in my hand or rubbed up against my eyes I am going to go catch some much needed beauty sleep.
Ya know... make a healthy decision? One that involves not only getting the proper amount of sleep to function the next day but to also keep my sanity in check.
Something that is long overdue.

The movie can always be rented when I'm having those blah days, but until then, this decision makes me feel good!

...and feeling good is half the battle!

my adventures

2010-03-20T08:09:00.003-04:00

Last week I subbed four out of the five days and because of that do I ever have stories!
I can't go into great depth and detail, but you'll get the gist of it.

Tuesday I had a boy stab another boy with a pencil. When I confronted the stabber he cried. I mean he CRIED huge tears. I asked him why he did it. His answer, "because he did it to me!"
So, I was forced to ask him when that stabbing occurred. He then proceeded to tell me... "a couple months ago".

Tuesday's group of second graders was rough. I raised my voice a lot! So much that when they came in to my Thursday music class I got a lot of hugs and they completely cooperated with me. And I walked away Tuesday thinking they were all the Devil's children. (No really, it was THAT bad)

Wednesday's group of middle school kids was really uneventful. It was St. Patrick's Day so everybody was wearing green, seriously. I don't think I have seen so many shades of green in my life. I can't wait for more holidays so I have an excuse to dress tacky and wear crazy jewelry!

Thursday was music. Oh what can I say about music?! I have subbed for music so many times that when I was asked to sub again on Friday, I turned it down. I told myself when this gig started, DO NOT TURN DOWN JOBS!
Overall it was a great day but sometimes I just feel like I don't know what I'm doing and that is a really crappy feeling.

I want to walk into a classroom, look at a lesson plan, have it all click and then BOOM! I want to teach it. Not have the kids scream and tell you what to do, because they DO and they do it a lot.
I want to feel like I have control over my classrooms; often times I don't. I want to walk out of there at the end of the day knowing I did the best I can. Yes, I will always second guess myself and know that next time I could have done it better if given the chance.
Everyday I step into a classroom or group setting I see growth and progress within myself but not to the depth I'm looking for RIGHT NOW!
I'd love to have the confidence I see some of these subs have or better yet, those teachers.

If only there was a course on this.

thoughts

2010-03-14T21:13:00.005-04:00

I'm almost 3.0

and still single. unmarried.

but not in need of anybody's cupid services.

Am I bothered by this single, unmarried and almost 3.0 fact? ABSOLUTELY!

But ya know what... I have an awesome child who well, he's just awesome!
I am graduating in May.
Continuing my education. still.
I have been soo busy with subbing that I can barely keep up with myself, but I am NOT complaining. I am loving it! I actually wish I had classrooms lined up everyday of the week.

But in all reality... I'm almost 3.0 and this brings up weird and strange feelings.

20 + 10 in the year 2010.

No matter how I slice it, I just cannot get myself to say thir......

intuition

2010-03-14T17:55:00.004-04:00

We dated and life was great!

Then Keven started to slow down his text messages and phone calls.
Conversations were really 'surface' conversations. I'm a gal who enjoys depth! I want to know why the sky is blue and the grass is green. Yes or no answers aren't really good enough for me. I want to challenge you; I want to be challenged and that was no longer happening.

Yes, I know his night shift as a cop kept his day pretty occupied and all. A dude has to sleep but really? I knew he didn't sleep all day. He used to call me at night while on duty but that came to a halt.

Odd.

I mentioned this to him and he was blown away; he didn't see it.
My heart started aching. My gut didn't feel right, so I did what I felt was best and ended our relationship, then I wrote this post.

Now fast forward to present day. A particular gal that I see almost daily due to the fact that I sub now, casually mentions to me that we have a friend in common.
YAY! for facebook.
I mention to her that I know this and tell her that he and I dated.
her: so did we.

As the conversation continues and the dates become clear in my mind I am left with no choice but to call him Friday night because well, he cheated and I am now a raging lunatic!
We I ~~are~~ am talking ~~casually~~ and then I confront him, he hangs up on me.
Mr. Man has officially admitted his guilt by doing so.
Thank you!

I have so many thoughts and feelings running through me. I am incredibly thankful to have trusted my gut. Something wasn't right and deep down I knew it.
My heart was aching and it's scary to think that it was aching for somebody that ~~was~~ is so unhealthy for me. I hate to admit it, but it happened and that is a door that I closed and it needs to stay closed.

But Keven?
He cheated.

What else is there to say?

*If you're in my life, chances are I may write about you. Don't expect me to change your identity.*

they must like me

2010-03-02T20:07:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow I'm subbing music. Again.
The same students I had a few weeks ago. Boy Child's classmates along with 5 kindergarten classes. It's going to be a long BUSY day but this time... I'm not so blind.

I saw the teacher this afternoon so she gave me a quick run down and then told me to go with the flow and have fun with it! What a relief!!

So tomorrow... it's game on!

Apparently I'm doing something right because my phone is ringing and I'm being asked to return.
The kids have all made it onto the right buses at the end of the day or their parents have picked them up at dismissal time.
No child with a peanut allergy has gone into Anaphylactic shock.

There have been no trips to the nurse's office. None have the kids have cried, well except one because he lost his pencil, but I did NOT do it!!
...and I haven't cried.

YET!

there's always a but

2010-02-28T12:45:00.004-05:00

I hurt his heart.

I'm sorry.

Here's the but... when you realize your heart aches for someone else it's not fair. Not for him, me or the person I'm aching for.

Off track. again.

time out

2010-02-26T15:04:00.004-05:00

I'm a huge, I mean HUGE fan of recess. Kids need to run and play. Get rid of that energy, especially when they've been in a classroom all day being forced to learn.
How dare us make them sit still, not talk, pay attention AND learn!!
The science is there, they need recess.

But today... a first grader yelled at me.
FIRST GRADE!!
He's still a baby. Six years old.

The result: I took 5 minutes of his recess away.

That'll fix 'im.

mental health break

2010-02-23T21:23:00.005-05:00

...due to unforeseen circumstances.

I moved. again.
School is, well school.
I'm subbing two days this week.
AND rather than moan, groan and complain about things that don't need complaining about I'm taking some time off, because in reality I don't have anything to complain about.

I just need time.

easter

2010-02-16T21:11:00.003-05:00

is April 4th which means...

Cadbury Creme Eggs.

SCORE!!

What is your Easter poison? What makes your heart flutter?

Happy Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T14:07:00.003-05:00

3 roses. red. my favorite number.
daisies. white. my favorite flower.
red carnations. simple and incredibly sweet.
hoops and yoyo card. just awesome in every way!
swedish fish. my favorite candy.
a small box of chocolates. what girl doesn't love chocolates?

After the past 2 years I told myself I wouldn't fall in love. I couldn't. It hurt and it would hurt again. I wasn't going to experience anything like that.
ever. again.

Hang on because I just broke my own rule.

why we love children!!

2010-02-12T16:17:00.003-05:00

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know the cat was dead?" she asked him. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move." answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!!" the teacher exclaimed in surprised.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

ear worm

2010-02-11T09:08:00.005-05:00

I was called yesterday to sub and it was a MUCH better day. I am so thankful for that because last time it was horrible.
Last time I was the Language Arts 'teacher' for 6, 7, and 8th graders! 8th graders were just miserable and disrespectful.

My favorite line from the day:
student: Are you married?
me: No
student: I can see why

Agggh!!

Back to the positive... yesterday I was called to sub for the music teacher at Boy Child's school!
Awesome. (make note: Boy Child's music day is today)

I get the call about 40 minutes before I have to be there. Talk about lighting a fire under my ass!
It was full speed ahead! Pack lunches, iron my clothes, finish my hair (flat iron died in the process)... chaos.
Get us out the door and off to school we go.
Once we get there I realize I have left my glasses at home and my tea. *sigh*
Boy Child and I go separate ways and there I am... all alone in my classroom staring at the lesson plan.

Now if you have never subbed before that lesson plan is intimidating as hell! You're going in there blind (in my case, literally- Ha!) then you have to interpret those plans to the best of your ability to keep those students engaged (and interested) for the entire time period you have them while keeping them UNDER CONTROL!

There in black in white was a plan that had 4 third grade classes, 1 first grade class and 5 kindergarten classes staring at me!

Long story short, I still have "Are You Sleeping" and "Brother John" stuck in my head, my throat is screaming, and I learned that I will not be teaching music after I finish college.
Why?
Because I CANNOT sing. At all.

Overall, it really was an awesome day!

we learn

2010-02-07T11:58:00.003-05:00

10% of what we read

20% of what we hear

30% of what we see

50% of what we see and hear

70% of what we discuss with others

90% of what we experience

95% of what we TEACH to someone

(Ted Glasser)

after the phone rang

2010-02-04T20:27:00.003-05:00

Whose bright idea was it for me to sub anyways?

(don't answer that)

Next topic.

my phone rang

2010-01-30T13:57:00.004-05:00

Ultimate goal: my own classroom.
Yes, that's right; I want to be a teacher.

Until then, I have applied at the local school district to be a substitute teacher.
So not only will I be doing the Mom thing and working on my bachelor's, I'm going to be a sub.

Back in December I filled out all the necessary paperwork, applications, background check and completed the necessary fingerprinting process.
As soon as I completed that, I was put on the 'sub list'! Oh happy day!
I had all this completed in time for winter break in hopes to be kept busy in between semesters, except my phone never rang.

Friday I made a few changes that may have affected my name being on the sub list, like dropping off my completed transcripts; proving I completed my degree! Accepted a few additional schools, so rather than being available to only 2, I'm available to 8!

I left the superintendent's office Friday and within ten minutes, my phone rang!
No joke!

I have my first assignment. I'm going to be in a language arts class with grades 6, 7 AND 8!

I'm so flippin' excited but... I'd also be lying if I didn't say that I'm also a ~~lot~~ little nervous.
I remember what it was like to have a substitute teacher in class. We were mean. Kids are mean. 6, 7, and 8th graders are evil! They're not your teacher so they "don't have to listen", but I'm going to go in there with an open mind and a heart that's temperature is yet to be determined.

Please... send me lots of luck! Oh, and any hints or helpful suggestions would totally and completely rock my world!

screaming like a girl

2010-01-27T16:26:00.001-05:00

Holy smokes Batman! I don’t remember the last time I screamed like I did today. Like seriously SCREEEEAMED and danced around in my living room all while my poor child was looking at me like, Woah! what is wrong with this woman!?
I blame the happy pills.

Remember the whole, finishing the semester, associates degree thing? Well, the intention was to finish the associate’s degree program in December, start the bachelor’s (which I did) and graduate in May; that whole march across stage and get my diploma thing.

Today I came home and saw this huge yellow envelope on my porch… I said to myself, out loud (I do this often) “what the hell is that?”
I get inside and rip that sucker open and low and behold…

…there it is, all nice and crisp- shiny, new; it even smells SMART!

Well, hot damn! Whaddayaknow!
It may have taken me 5 years, but it was worth every damn tear, migraine, ounce of frustration and irritation just to hold that bad boy in my hands!

Step one is completed… now on to step 2!

Baxter

2010-01-27T13:45:00.001-05:00

I haven’t given an update on Baxter, well since we brought him home from the Shelter.
He is crazy!
I have never seen an animal like him. Boy Child and Baxter play chase, ya know- something like a boy and a DOG would do, only- well Baxter is a cat. I have video!

Last night The Boyfriend (he really needs a new ‘name’) was over and the two of them were terrorizing each other, something very common, but it’s given with extreme love and affection.
Of course.
So in the middle of all that I was able to capture this!

How freakin’ cute!

The cat has been an awesome addition to our family though. He is just as quirky and neurotic as we are.
I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Well other than a few less knocked over plants, less things BROKEN, less biting and definitely less scratching but HEY, you can’t have it all.

mission accomplished

2010-01-25T10:39:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I accomplished what I thoughts was going to the impossible.

Cleaning Boy Child’s bedroom.

It was literally a disaster; Hurricane Boy Child swept through there like there was no tomorrow. Fierce.

I had to take pictures because if you didn’t see it, you wouldn’t believe it; even Baxter is disgusted.

The accomplished mission took me about 2 hours and much assistance from the Boy. I am so proud of him! He did an excellent job picking and choosing the toys he wanted to keep and which ones he didn’t. Two bags of trash and one bag of items to Goodwill later… Tada!!

Now if only we can keep Hurricane Boy Child at bay for a little while.

look at it shine

2010-01-23T08:50:00.005-05:00

I love new things; especially gadgets like electronics and LAPTOPS!!

Aww yea, that's right! I have a new laptop. My old one sounded like a plane taking off. It was cracked in places that I never knew existed and it had been dropped and banged more than twice. Maybe even ten times.
So because my school life depends on technology, a certain someone was incredibly gracious enough to assist me with the purchase of my new beast.

To say the least, The Date has progressed above and beyond that 'title', I just kinda sorta failed to mention it ;-)

speak up

2010-01-22T14:44:00.003-05:00

The other day a commercial sparked a random thought in Boy Child's mind and then the conversation went something like this:

Boy Child: I wish I had a hearing aid so I could turn it all the way down
Me: (laughing) Why?
Boy Child: Because some people just annoy me!

Apparently he isn't aware of the selective hearing ability he already has!

I broke a rule

2010-01-21T20:34:00.003-05:00

The Date says to me, I'm surprised you haven't sworn off men by now.

That was after I broke a rule. One of those rules in dating where you're not supposed to talk about your previous relationships. Let's be honest here, how can you not?
Those adventures molded me and will continue to. They taught me to love deeper, speak more and share my passions.

I haven't sworn off men because I was hopeful that someday I'd be able to speak more, share my passions and love deeper with someone. I'm glad I held on to that hope.

chicken again?

2010-01-18T13:53:00.002-05:00

Is a common question that Boy Child will ask.

I'm bored and food bores me. I've run out of ideas and options.
I just don't know what to cook anymore!

The vegetarian thing went out the window, but we still don't eat a lot of red meat. You definitely won't see us sitting down to a huge steak anytime ~~soon~~ ever.

I'm tired of plain chicken and pasta because it seems every time I turn around that's what I'm cooking.

I'd much rather bake.
The recipes are better, easier and really, let's be honest; they taste better too.

So my dear friends, here's where you come in. Please, please, please... email me some recipes. They can still be chicken and pasta, but with a twist! Something new and fresh!

...because I'm about to start eating cookies and cake for dinner!

enough already

2010-01-18T09:28:00.003-05:00

I have to be super careful with my words, my thoughts and feelings in this post because they're really intense. At least to me, they're intense.

She's pregnant and the entire time we've listened to her moan and groan about how miserable she is, especially on Facebook. The weight gain is bothering her girlish figure. Her back hurts when she sits and she's really only comfortable when she stands but who wants to be standing all day? The countdown for this baby's arrival has started since conception, making for the longest (second) pregnancy known to human kind.

Yes, I complained when I was pregnant and I complained quite a bit, but if I could do it all over again I would; in a second. I miss the feeling of knowing he was safe. I miss having him all to myself. I didn't have to share those small flips and flutters with anybody, unless I wanted to of course. Everything was so magical! I was growing a human being, a beautiful human being that would become the light of my life and I only had 9 months to truly cherish that process.

You see, there are woman and couples in this world that sadly do not have that opportunity. They are robbed of that ability to enjoy what others of us get; that true magical experience.
There are others that experience that magic only to be robbed of the life afterwords. I don't know how else to put that into words, it's a sad experience and it happens everyday.

If I could do it over again, I would.

Along with her, I'm counting down the days for this baby to arrive, only so others don't have to be reminded of the magic they are robbed of.
Daily.

nothing.

2010-01-17T20:14:00.002-05:00

The Date got out of work at 6am and was at my house by 7am and we did exactly what I needed in order to recharge.

Nothing.

We spent the day lounging around, talking, and sleeping. I had a complete day of no worries.

None.

It was absolutely amazing!

breathe dammit

2010-01-16T15:17:00.003-05:00

Last week I hit a wall and I hit it hard!
Things all around me were going so well and then it literally felt like I walked into a brick wall; nose first. I couldn't move in any direction without a push or a shove of some kind and point blank, it sucked!
It sucked HARD!

My friends have some (exciting and not so exciting) things going on in their life and I couldn't express any feelings for them and it wasn't because I didn't want to, it was because I couldn't.
I'm dating this awesome guy and I couldn't even begin to share my excitement about that because my emotions were numb.
You know that pins and needles feeling you get when your hands and feet go 'to sleep'? I wasn't even at that stage yet, I was at the stage where your hands and feet feel like they're ten times their size and then the pins and needles feeling comes on!

I just want to feel.
I just want to smell.
I just want to breathe.

It sounds simple but when these things happen, those tasks are so hard. Almost impossible.

Today the tips of my fingers have feeling again and I'm getting there. Slowly.

It needs to happen faster though because this shit is exhausting!

kind and gentle

2010-01-08T14:18:00.002-05:00

I want to thank everyone who offered their gentle words of kindness and support.
I cannot even begin to explain the amount of appreciation I have!

It still amazes me the friendships and bonds that can form through the internet. It really is something fierce and powerful.

Thank you.

it's hell

2010-01-06T13:01:00.001-05:00

Like every other person, some days are better than others, but my bad days are bad and my good days are good. Rarely, does there seem to be a happy medium.

I have bipolar and I live in my own personal hell.

There is a large stigma attached to bipolar disorder and few people really know what it is or what it is about.
Most people tip toe around those of us with this disorder because they think we’re “crazy”.

I encourage you to read up on this yourself because you might make a difference in someone else’s life. I suffered for many years alone, before I received any help or casually mentioned it to any of those closest to me; I still have a hard time talking about this, it’s crippling.

Bipolar is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.

I suffer extreme mood changes. I can be incredibly happy and excited about something and mere moments later I am going bat shit crazy about something that has pissed me off. Yesterday.

My energy levels change like the second hand on a clock. Day-to-day tasks are sometimes impossible… come by my house sometime unexpectedly; you’ll see.

Relationships have ended because people cannot handle bipolar. It’s exhausting. I cannot even handle my own illness. On a day that I am feeling particularly low, I’ll be asked, “what’s wrong?” When I answer with, “I don’t know” or “nothing” more often than not it’s because I don’t know or nothing is wrong. I cannot explain or describe what my brain is or is not doing. These rapid cycles put me through hell! When my energy levels are low, there is nothing in this world you can do to pull me out of it; or rather I have yet to find something that pulls me out of it. Then the days when my energy levels are high, I cannot even keep up with myself- never mind expecting those around me to keep up. I am non-stop from start to finish.

Bipolar cannot be cured but it CAN be treated. I take a handful of medicines twice a day, a pretty colorful cocktail of medicines, and life is looking better but I still have days. We ALL have days.

I work with a psychologist, nurse, and a therapist and I’m seeking a second opinion from another psychologist and his team.

I just want to feel better.

I want to function like a person and not someone trapped in a body. I feel like a matryoshka doll. I’ve released the 150 pound layer now I need to escape this hell layer!

There are days when I am severely depressed and sleep.all.the.time.

I have other days when I feel like I could function without sleep; the days when life is looking great and I could conquer the world!

I really could explain all the signs and symptoms of bipolar that I have, but I am so text book you would be bored. People all around us battle this daily, some know and many of those don’t.

When all is said and done, on my worst day I don’t need two handfuls of drugs, what I really need is a hug.

hypocrite

2010-01-04T08:59:00.004-05:00

I don't care to date guys with children.
Dating is complicated enough but once you add a child to the mix things become more complex.
Add another two or three and it's an impossible feat.

I think guys who won't date single moms are judgmental and shallow. If anything, becoming a parent has made me a better person. I am more understanding, patient, appreciative, open-minded, grounded, etc.

This new situation only Boy Child is involved. I can tell you that there is now a little less stress.
Why? ... well The Date has asked what works best for us. He didn't avoid the subject-- he approached it head on. The subject being the most important aspect of my life: Boy Child.

I have always tried to put off the introduction, but through the years I have learned there is no time that is the best.
And as for the introduction? There really is no proper method for that either.

What I have learned, is to be open and honest. Boy Child and I have that kind of relationship and I will not put that in jeopardy. Ever.
It will start as an introduction based on friendship.
I am allowed to have male friends just like he has female friends at school. When things progress, the introductions and invitations to events with us increase.

I don't know of any other way.

change of plans

2010-01-03T11:22:00.003-05:00

Happy 2010!

I hope everyone celebrated the New Year properly and did it safely!

dating update:
Mother Nature is still having her PMS spazz attack but we didn't let that stop us. Instead we changed the plans a little bit and had our date at my house.
WAY better.
I was relaxed and comfortable in more ways than one; even he said he liked the idea of staying in.
I'll leave the (not so) boring details out but the date was a success and future dates have already been discussed!
Like... hockey games in the near future. I LOVE hockey games!!

I hope he's prepared for this.

p.s. The guy can cook! Yes, that's right! He cooked us dinner, in MY kitchen!

a letter because I hate dating

2009-12-31T12:06:00.006-05:00

Dear Mother Nature:
Why must you be so moody? Seriously 24 inches of snow? The local weatherman is predicting about 2 feet of snow to be dumped on our area! Must you really?
I have a date Friday night and that is when you're supposed to start your PMS spazz attack, and because I don't care to drive when it's snowing, you're really putting a kink in my plans!
Can you change your plans for Saturday? Saturday works better for me.

---
Speaking of dates... I hate them. I'm going to tell you why...
First date? Almost always uncomfortable.
Dinner and movie dates out are lame.
I like to be comfortable in every sense of the way.
I want to skip all the junk and get right to the point.

Here's an example: Jennifer Marie, this is how you pronounce my last name. I have a brother, parents are divorced, mom is a little unstable, dad is a hard ass former marine. My Memere is my role model; I get my strong will and determinism from her. Boy Child is my everything and I talk about him a lot, and will continue to do so. I did this growing up, here are my mistakes and I can guarantee that many more mistakes will be made... and I welcome you to make mistakes too.

Only problem is, when you throw all that out there from day 1, it's unwanted information. This is me and this is what I have to offer. I don't want to give it my all to find out that you don't like random middle of the night trips to Walmart where my only purchase is a bag of Swedish Fish and a bottle of Snapple.

I'm domesticated: I cook, I clean (sometimes), I enjoy family activities, nights at home cooking together, parades, fairs, board games-- you know, things that don't involve bars and partying like its 1999.

Oh... and don't even get me started on those awkward silences. I like when you get past the point where silence is welcomed and no longer awkward.

I either love you with all that I have, or I don't.

10 years

2009-12-31T11:35:00.004-05:00

The past 10 years have been crazy insane. If I told you about them you would never believe it, not in a million years, but something came to me.
Something I guess I have blocked out of my mind.

10 years ago this week I met Boy Child's father, The Mailman. A man who is about 21 years my senior.

What was I thinking you're asking?
To this day I often ask myself that same question and I have yet to find the answer; even a therapist here and there hasn't been able to help me.

Four months later (April), I was packing up my VW and moving away from the family I loved and life I knew to be with this man.
Four months after THAT! (August) I found out I was pregnant with my incredibly awesome Boy Child.

I cannot even begin to tell you what a whirlwind of emotion and chaos the next few years, ok 10 years, would bring me but I will say this much, I am ready to start 2010 off with a bang and with some of the greatest friends a girl could ever ask for.

Thank you everyone for a great year, I'm looking forward to an even better 2010!

no real direction

2009-12-29T08:43:00.002-05:00

I'm a real fan of lists. I make them and will accomplish what is on them or... sometimes I won't even come close.
Other times I will make a list just to organize my thoughts, and because I need to slow down my racing mind at this very moment here's a list:

- I want to skip dating
- movie and dinner dates should be banned
- I wish more non-traditional dates were accepted
- feel free to send me non-traditional date ideas
- I think we would be better off apart- forever, even your friendship is becoming toxic
- less anxiety would be nice
- I want to go shopping again and not need a crutch (Boy Child, cell phone)
- I hate that I'm always looking for the nearest exit
- cookies! you've added 5 pounds to my thighs. Thanks. Not really.
- apparently junk food isn't bothering my stomach.
- motivation is missing in action. If you find it, send it home.
- I'm going on a date this weekend
- I really hate dating
- I think I need a separate blog post about dating

here's your sign

2009-12-28T15:43:00.001-05:00

...they couldn't afford another 'S'

annnnnd done!

2009-12-19T10:05:00.002-05:00

I cannot even begin to express the relief I am feeling right now.
Fall semester of 2009 is officially OVER.

I completed my last final on Thursday and started/finished my final paper on Friday.
Life is good!

Associates degree is now complete.

Stay tuned for the bachelors degree stress that I am sure will overcome me sooner than later.

I prefer white meat

2009-12-15T17:28:00.003-05:00

I recently joined some site that allows you to communicate with other people, whom just happen to be single and generally speaking ... have a fear of commitment.

online dating= fail.

Today's email from a possible knight in shining armor:

"Hi hope ur having a good evening im in mass with a load of turkeys going to walmart in lewiston maine my name is ray if u want to chat if not good luck on this site i usally take time of i go to bangor thinking of moving there houlton is boring and i dont really c eye to eye with my roomate he drives dor same compony ."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!?!?!
No really! Seriously!
I don't even have the words for this right now, I just hope he an his roomate can settle their differences, and soon because I can't imagine that turkeys are going to be nice company either.

cheese to my mac

2009-12-14T20:11:00.002-05:00

Macaroni and cheese.
We all know it and love it.

Cheese and carbs! Carbs and cheese! *sigh*
If you know me at all, you know I love me some cheese! But when it comes to this delicious meal I prefer the boxed stuff; the more generic the better.
Give me that powdered orange stuff and nobody gets hurt. I promise!

But... the best time to eat that meal?
When it's cold!

Don't judge.

I like my leftover mac & cheese cold. It's damn yummy!

Now excuse me, I have cheese 'n' mac to eat before it gets hot!

spirit of giving

2009-12-10T11:06:00.005-05:00

{ffffound}

"I know what I have given you.
I do not know what you have received."
-Antonio Porchia-

random yelling

2009-12-05T00:13:00.004-05:00

Vlog!! Can you believe it? Because I can't!

Amanda and I went out to do some shopping and this resulted.
Sorry for the poor ass quality but hope you enjoy because we had a blast doing it!

I give thanks

2009-11-26T08:01:00.002-05:00

I’m not going home to visit my family this year, instead I’m spending it with my other family; my friends.
* I’m forever grateful for their friendship and their love.
* Boy Child is going to spend this holiday with his father and his family; this is a holiday we alternate. I’m thankful they are part of his life.
* The past month or so, my greatest guy friend has been super! I do not know what I would have done without him. I’m forever in debt to him.
* I baked my first cheesecake ever, it cracked but I tried and I’m not giving up.
* I’m thankful for my determination.
* My bestest girly friend: I’m thankful she’s home.
* I’m so thankful we adopted Baxter to add a little more craziness to our home.
* My mom and I getting along these past few months has been a nice change of pace. Her helping with the new car process has been a blessing also.
* Boy Child making an “I’m thankful for my Mom and Baxter” place mat at school.
* My electric toothbrush makes dentist visits much better. I love the dentist!
* School. I’m so close to getting to the end and it will be so worth it!
* I’m thankful that I passed my last science exam. It was a close call and damn scary towards the end.
* I’m thankful for Boy Child’s progress. He has come so far and has even surpassed expectations.
* I’ve been given a new medication and I cannot even begin to describe what it has done; I no longer sleep all day and my mood, wow! my mood has improved so much.
* My blog readers are amazing. I don’t have many but your comments are amazing, and even those that don’t comment your silence is okay too. I know you’re reading.
* I’ve been able to get sound sleep lately and that is definitely something to be thankful for!
* A little while back Boy Child and I spent a weekend with my Dad and his girlfriend of 11 years, and had a great time. It’s nice when we have quality time visits.
* I’m thankful that both my parents haven’t remarried just for the sake of remarrying to have a title and they know at the end of the day their love is all that matters.
* I’m thankful my mom has an understanding boyfriend; if it wasn’t for him she would not be here to celebrate birthdays and holidays.
* I’m thankful both my grandmothers are with us today.
* I’m thankful my Memere remarried and has showed us grandkids and the great-grandkids what love looks like; it’s a beautiful thing. Al is an amazing man and he’s blessed our family with something special.
…and most importantly I’m just thankful.

kinda low

2009-11-24T08:42:00.003-05:00

I have a few things I expect Boy Child to do around the house to help out, they’re not hard or all that demanding, but they are important.
One of the most important would be feeding Baxter. Baby kitty is 4 months old now and food is rather important for this growing creature. With the feeding responsibility also comes the, “Mom, Baxter is running low on food” responsibility.

This weekend we were at a pet store and I thought to ask about the pet food status and Boy Child mentions, “he’s kinda low”. I took that as; we have enough to last the weekend. I was not paying close to $20 for a bag of Science Diet there when I pay about $10 at the Vet’s office.

Sooo… we get home and I peak into the bag and… what do you know but he has barely… I mean barely a scoop of food left! I guess that did fit the “he’s kinda low” criteria.

Dammit! The Vet’s office is closed, tomorrow is Sunday, and well, $20 is ridiculous! I love that little fur ball and all, but come on!

Sunday morning comes and I whip Baxter up some breakfast. Yes, I stood in my kitchen and cooked my cat breakfast. Scrambled eggs!

Don’t judge.

While standing at the stove, I started to realize, I’m turning into my mother. She makes dinner for herself and then makes up a plate of food for her pets. This cannot be happening!

After I made Boy Child his breakfast, Baxter even enjoyed himself a few pieces of bacon.

This stops RIGHT. NOW!

Half a bag will now officially mean “kinda low”.

peas and carrots

2009-11-20T08:58:00.008-05:00

Yes! That's right, she's moving home. I am so excited! Things just haven't been the same without her. I mean everything in my life has just been weird with her gone and not just her, even her boys.

She told me last week she was coming home and I was excited then, but it really did not hit me till this morning when I realized she'll be back in Maine... TOMORROW!
I still can't believe it actually.

I'm sad for her because the life that she wanted and had hoped for didn't work out, but sometimes, if it's not meant to be... well, you know the saying.
Her family is here, her friends are here; her support. Her 'man' is staying behind to finish his schooling, which is great. I never that I would see that guy open a book in my lifetime.
Kudos to him.

Shortly after I shared my excitement with twitter and the world, another friend of mine shared his thoughts...

Could that really be true? I've had some sort of 'sickness' since she's been gone. Either this new thing I've been experiencing or I was facing that deep depression and sleeping ALL day; literally it was all day.
Weird.

Either way... she's coming home!
The dynamic duo is back at it again!

words for the soul

2009-11-17T22:04:00.003-05:00

I recently heard a song that could not have come at a better time for me.

'Your Ex-Lover Is Dead' by Stars

I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news
From the house down the road from real love
Live through this and you won't look back
There's one thing I have to say so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I needed these words.

I wanna be sedated

2009-11-16T08:17:00.003-05:00

This whole sickness crap has had a few advantages.

Let me tell you about one: me on drugs, specifically me being sedated.

Oh how I love the 'I don't care drug' they give you before sedation.

(See! I can't even remember the name of it!)

Yes, I know how bizarre this sounds but the whole out of body experience is like no other.

I had to have a procedure done last week and once I was all prepped and ready to go, I was given this drug... started to be wheeled into the operating room and what do you know! the first words out of my mouth....

"Oh... you're all guys!"

I had one female nurse, which apparently meant nothing to me, I was paying more attention to the men in the OR with me.

Then I hear... "Jennifer, we need you to get up on the table."

Me: Ohh! Absolutely!!

There's a reason why you can't get this stuff on the streets. I'd be walking around in a stupor. all.the.time!

10 pounds

2009-11-12T10:08:00.002-05:00

...is what I've lost in about 3 weeks since this whole ordeal started. Yes, I'm super freakin' happy to see my jeans finally loose and my scale show numbers I haven't seen for about 8 months now.

Hello emotional eating!

But ya see, I'm kinda sorta hungry and I don't consider jello food anymore.

it's incredible

2009-11-09T22:22:00.000-05:00

I started to forget what your voice sounded like.
I forgot what your hands felt like when they caressed my skin.
I forgot how you smelled after a shower, that smell I often found myself missing when you first left.
The memory of your smile and glimmer in your eyes even disappeared from my mind.

Then suddenly, the reasons why we didn’t make it began to slip my mind and powerful thoughts of you came back.
I started yearning for your voice. I craved that touch on my skin. I had a need to see you smile and be the person that had helped make you smile.

Before I knew it, I had your voice back softly whispering to me while you caressed my skin.
I really forgot how much I missed you until I had this again.

Then I was brought back into reality, like a hard, fast punch to the gut.
There was a reason why I started to forget. It was because I needed to.

We just cannot dance to the same song in this thing we call life.

I was moving on; slowly but I was going to get there. Not just because I needed to, but because I wanted to and I had just sabotaged myself.

Something different is happening now.
I have a yearning and craving for something else.

It’s not your voice, your touch or even your smile, because that’s gone.

It’s something bigger.

I want to hear my own voice.
I want to be comfortable in my own skin.
I want to see my own smile.

I now have an incredible need for it.

Sundays

2009-11-08T17:53:00.007-05:00

It's Sunday and I have so many things to be thankful for!

Now, I especially love this day because Boy Child comes home from his father's. I don't care for the whole getting him back on routine thing but we're adjusting better. I mean, he has been doing this for almost 7 years now.

My house doesn't have ramen noodles, soda, Chef Boyardee or what I call... 'shit in can' and ummm...oh yea, cigarette smoke!

BUT... I am thankful Boy Child has a father who loves him and is doing the best that he can.

***
Dear Sunday nights at 5pm,

I love you. You make my weekend complete.

Love,
The Crazy Neurotic Mom

100 thanks

2009-11-07T16:41:00.001-05:00

A friend recently posted something on Facebook about everyday posting something you are thankful for. Due to recent events, this shined a little light on me.
Ya know… recent events like being able to only eat jello and drink water. Having a few too many hospital visits and tests to be told in so many words, “we don’t know”.

My internet loves, I’m craving junior bacon cheeseburgers from Wendy’s and potato wedges with gravy from KFC.

HUNGRY!

During all of these crazy moments I have had the support from (some of) the greatest friends. I would probably still be in the fetal position crying with no pain relief in site. I wouldn't have new food, well Italian ice and sherbet added to my diet to help satisfy my taste buds a little more. I wouldn’t have silent support from another state; silent support that is bugging out because she can’t be closer.

I’m going to do my best for the rest of my month to blog about what I’m thankful for, even the little things; like I’m thankful for jello even though I don’t like it, but its helping keep me hydrated.

I’m thankful that I’ve had 99 posts and some great readers that have helped keep me a little bit saner.

What are you thankful for?