happiness in blue

I'm standing in the bookstore killing time before we go get our traditional Christmas Eve dinner and there it is, in BRIGHT blue, a book that catches my attention: The Happiness Project.
I thumb through its pages and then immediately look at its prices: $25.99.

"I'm not paying that!"

Then I continue to read and think.

I'm not happy. Something is wrong with my life. I just might need this book.

So from here I'm going to walk to the register and purchase myself a Christmas present, a new beginning.

feels good... feels fine

So here's the deal... and I almost hate to blog about it because I feel like if I do, I'm going to totally jinx myself but I need to write. My world is a mess. I'm a hot mess. Hello Train Wreck!!

I've been seeing this guy for almost 5 months. That is quite a while in my world. Why, it has yet to be determined. I'm used to super sonic speed in my dating world and things always crash and burn when that happens. They not only crash and burn... but they crash fast and burn hard.

This one is different. Slow different. I don't even know what to say, but after spending the weekend with him, having some conversations, not only with him but the shrink-- I feel at peace.
I feel like I'm going to be alright with continuing on with seeing this guy, even if things are super slow and completely out of my comfort zone... and even if my friends don't like him. I think I'm going to be ok.

I went to work today not feeling mad, angry or even sad... I just went to work. After work I went to the gym... ran 2 miles and did a short workout.
I went home and didn't drink... didn't feel like I had to. I ate salad and made one for tomorrow's lunch.

Changes... they're going to happen. It feels good... it feels fine.

b, b and well b

If I could live off beer, bacon and bread and NOT worry about getting fat (again)... I would!

Oh... and should I mention, drinking seems to have entered in to my world?

It has.

Sucks.

reality

I don't know who I am anymore.

I miss her.

... her crazy sense of humor
... her chocolate chip cookies
... her reading to me
... watching her do crossword puzzles
... always seeing a People magazine on the bedside table
... running threw her sheets right after she'd hang them up on the clothes line
... Eskimo kisses
... her compassion
... her passion
... her special nickname for me
... Connect Four
... her jewels
... the smell of White Diamonds
... our visits

In the end, all we have is memories.

may you rest

You passed away 12 hours ago.

Somebody has bigger and better plans for you.

I've never been a believer of God. God doesn't take people you love away from you. He doesn't hurt you. He doesn't cause you grief or pain. He always has a bigger and better plan.

But today, today I believe.

Today he took you from us. He has a bigger and better plan for you.
Much bigger.
You were tired, hurting, and had lived an amazing life. It was time.
We all loved you to our greatest capacity. I believe we even loved you above and beyond that, and you most definitely loved us.

I know you may have spent the past 7+ years in nursing homes but I truly believe you had an amazing life. A life full of love and happiness and now it is time for you to have peace.

May you always have unlimited visits to Hawaii with Grampa who has been patiently waiting for you for 25 years, may you eat macadamia nuts till you're about to explode, here's to hoping you will always be by the ocean, the place you always took me to, and may there always be a crossword puzzle ready to complete.

Love you always,
Jenn

why I run

I never ran. I never even exercised before. Ever.
I'm the girl who couldn't lose weight so I had to have gastric bypass surgery or my future was not going to be that sunny shade of yellow I needed it to be.

8 years after surgery I'm running and it feels good.
I have been able to keep the weight off with just the guidance of gastric bypass but it's becoming harder and harder everyday, so I decided it was time to do something else.

This is the addiction I chose.

It has been a slow starting progress but I am getting there.

I run because...

... it's peaceful
... rewarding
... exhausting. After I'm done, I take some of the greatest naps!
... energizing. I do some of my best housework when I return from a run!
... I need discipline
... I need motivation
... I'm tired of saying "I wish I could run like that" when I see someone run
... I want to be that person people see and say "I wish I could run like that"
... I'm learning knew things about my body
... I want my son to grow up and see me doing something healthy
... someday, maybe my son will run with me
... it has built connections with people I never knew existed
... I look at myself differently
... I think about myself differently
... I want others to look at me differently
... I am no longer the girl who "just had gastric bypass"
... I am doing something physical
... I want to race in a 5K
... or more.
... I want my races to be for charities so my growth is their gain.

I run because I want to!

making progress

I'm so sorry I haven't been keeping up with ya'll blogs (this Mainer just said ya'll-- we never say ya'll; funny) anyways... but I will soon. Promise.

Since the whole fiasco with Mr. I'm going to Date You but Put up A Personal Ad has happened I've buckled down and become very serious with working out and running. Taking care of me.

and YES!

Running.

I started the couch to 5k program and absolutely love it! I'm even enjoying my gym workouts. I have no idea who I have become but I think I can deal with it.

So today's interval was a 5 minute walking warm up then 20 minutes of running finishing with 5 minutes of walking.
I am so excited that I was able to run at least 20 minutes, I signed up for a 5k race!

Do you remember last year I talked about the Dempsey Challenge?
Well, I decided this year, I'm going to have my first 5k race not only be about my progress but be for someone else; those who need it! It's really not about me, it's about them.

So this is what I'm asking you, my readers. Please consider donating to the Dempsey Challenge.
We've all been affected by cancer. It may not have been us personally but it has been someone close to us; a mother, father, brother, sister, grand parent, even a neighbor.

I have to raise $150 in donations, please spread the word and make my first 5k race one that will be memorable not only to me, but also to you and to those your donations will help in the future.

Thank you.



Click Here to Donate

before facebook

breaking up was so much easier.

You could keep it private or you could go public with it when YOU were ready, now you really can't. It's out there like a gay drag queen. LOOK AT ME!!! (no offense to gay drag queens of course)
Damn you facebook for making things just a little more complicated.

Someday I'd like to be able to break up with the internet like a bad boyfriend, but I don't ever see THAT happening!!

a positive note

This may be a little TMI but whatever...

Something I have realized that I really enjoy about having a long distant relationship, a relationship where your boyfriend has a personal ad on a dating site, or even when I'm single all together is I get to wear "granny panties".

Yep, my nasty ugly underwear. The ones I would never want anyone to ever see yet the ones that are the most comfortable on my ass. They offer the most loving for my rear.

Just saying.

private investigation

The Boyfriend knows where to find this here blog.

But... I've recently read his (active) match.com personal ad.

Isn't life a bitch!?!

the internet

can drastically change your life.

For the better. For the worse.

One web site has just turned my world upside down.

Rattled my brain, killed my appetite and has made me throw up a little.

Disgusting.

say what?!

Now... I do NOT always believe in astrology but it IS always fun to read about. Somedays it is spot on- others not so much.

Yesterday's horoscope went a little something like this:

Someone is making wedding plans! Whether that is you, or someone you love, the atmosphere will be exciting and romantic, and for once, you won't be in the mood to fight it. Expect all kinds of phone calls with good news. Don't spoil it by gnawing on the details.

Somedays I am better off NOT reading my horoscope and yesterday was definitely one of those days.

who was I kidding

30 days of me?

Did I really think I was going to be able to start AND finish something. Apparently I did, but typical Jenn style, I didn't finish.

So... this is what we have left...

Day 18: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19: A talent of yours
Day 20: A hobby of yours
Day 21: A recipe
Day 22: A website
Day 23: A YouTube video
Day 24: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25: Your day, in great detail
Day 26: Your week, in great detail
Day 27: This month, in great detail
Day 28: This year, in great detail
Day 29: Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30: Whatever tickles your fancy

and because I love each and every single one of you... I am going to continue my track record of not finishing. Should you want me to answer one of these... let me know and your wish is my command.

Until then... on with regular posting.

feeling crazy

Life has changed.
I wouldn't say drastically, but it has changed enough that I sometimes have to step back and really look at what is happening.

The Man lives 115 miles away. 2 hours away therefore I spend 4 hours a weekend driving. I'm not complaining but in all reality- it sucks. Looking at the bigger picture The Man lives near my hometown, where I grew up; an area I have avoided like the plague for the last 10 years.
Now I look forward to going there every weekend. What the heck is wrong with me!?!!

Oh yea... I've been bitten by the love bug.

I've been bitten so bad I've started a new job search. A job search that would relocate us. My family. The family that includes Cole, Baxter and of course yours truly.

I have tried to explain how I feel about this man, about this situation, and well... whatever else pops up in my mind and I truly cannot. I feel like I've gone mad.

Almost instantly when I saw him, I knew. He was going to be my last date. He was going to be my last first kiss, but every kiss feels like the first.

How do you explain all this to people? How do you tell someone you know that this man you've only known a short time really is it. I've heard that when you know, you know. People say you can feel it instantly. It's not something you have to develop over time; it's either there or it's not.

Well baby, it's there.

wouldn't ya know

I met someone...

... and he's amazing!

friends

I'm not going to sugar coat this but I need to expand my social circle. I need more friends.

I have a small, real small, group of friends that I keep in touch with on a regular basis and well, that's it.
I moved away from my hometown about 10 years ago in hopes of starting over, making new friends, rebuilding... ya know-- the whole works and I'm back where I was before the move; feeling very lonely.

My best friend Amanda is going through some pretty serious life changing experiences right now and I'm doing my best to help, but I don't have a magic wand and my thoughts, ideas, and verbalization's are... 99% of the time what she probably does NOT want to hear. So I have to step back and let it be I guess.

Another friend of mine, Ed, has found himself a gal and well, the rest is history.

So about expanding that social circle of mine? This isn't going to be easy.

30 days: catch up

Day 13: A fictional book
Day 14: A non-fictional book
Day 15: A fanfic

I'm skipping the book posts despite my great love of books. I have a really hard time with coming up with my own reading material, never mind referring something to you. I might recommend something at a later time. I'll keep you up to date when I do though :-)

Day 16: A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

This song is so incredibly powerful to me. My Dad introduced me to this song and Cowboy Junkies back in the day. The first few times I heard it with him I can remember that strong man crying and I have had that very same reaction since.

it hurts sometimes

I have a lot to say and have said quite a bit but ever feel like nobody is listening?

They hear you but they don't really hear you.

I can only say and do so much but because I care my heart seriously aches.

At this point, I'm going to sit back and not get involved... again.

This is going to be so painful.

reading

{source}

...and I can feel my mind, heart and soul changing... and wanting to change.

Amazing.