happiness in blue

I'm standing in the bookstore killing time before we go get our traditional Christmas Eve dinner and there it is, in BRIGHT blue, a book that catches my attention: The Happiness Project.
I thumb through its pages and then immediately look at its prices: $25.99.

"I'm not paying that!"

Then I continue to read and think.

I'm not happy. Something is wrong with my life. I just might need this book.

So from here I'm going to walk to the register and purchase myself a Christmas present, a new beginning.

personal

Not too long ago I had a personal ad. That's how I met Construction actually.
Well, this weekend I decided to dig up that ad and read it, I was curious as to what I had written that was so captivating to this guy who is now so distant.

"I love smiles. I’m looking for a guy who will make me weak in the knees with his.
The sound of laughter makes me laugh. I want someone who is going to make me laugh or better yet, laugh with me.

I’m a mom and all the things that go with it. I’m more patient, understanding, open-minded, and a few other qualities someone might/should find important.
I'm a college student, an active board member for a local non-profit organization and I work in the local school system.

A guy that can go with the flow is a super bonus. A man who knows how to communicate his wants, needs and desires but is not going to forget to listen to mine. We get comfortable in life and our communication levels often stay on the surface. I like to think I’m deeper and more passionate than that. I want to know why the grass is green and the sky is blue. A simple yes or no answer does not always work for me. I will challenge you, because I want to be challenged.

I used to think I didn’t know what I was looking for but as time passes I’m becoming more aware that I really do know; it’s just a matter of finding that person."

So after reading that... I don't have that. I'm not seeing it. I've lost it.
The new year is coming and so are new changes. I'm tired of crying. I can't handle being depressed anymore. Anxiety is not friendly and to top it all off... I can't afford the medication that is supposed to keep me sane. Shit's deep around here; good thing I have some new Bogs!

single but not

I'm dating someone. Have been since the end of July. 

But here's the kick in the knees... he doesn't want a relationship. 

So in all reality, I'm still single. 

This is how a conversation I had recently went:

Random Guy: You Single?

Me: I am.

RG: Want to go out for coffee or something sometime?

Me: I'm dating someone

RG: I thought you said you were single?

Me: I am. 

RG: But you're dating?

Me: Yea, he doesn't want a relationship. 

Can you wrap your head around this one, because I can't.

Stepping back and looking in... I'm a friggin' idiot! 

bottoms up

I drink.

I never used to. At least not like I do now. Weekdays. Weekends.

Last weekend I drank and woke up not remembering a whole bunch of events from the night prior. I barely knew where I was.

Maybe you could say I have a problem, maybe you could say I don't because I've seen people who drink a hell of a lot more than I do, and DO a LOT worse than I do and/or have.
Excuses.

I know that if I don't do something, what-- I'm not sure- it is going to get worse. Way worse.
I have an addictive personality. I'll latch on to this and not let go. It WILL get worse and WILL get harder to kick.

I haven't had a drink since Saturday night. I want to really bad. I also want to dump every single drink I have in this house down the drain because what occurred Saturday night and Sunday morning put one hell of a scare in to me.

Like I said... I don't know who I am anymore.

I don't want the same people around me anymore. I don't want my job. I don't want to live in the same house. I want to start over somewhere; anywhere but here. I've already dropped out of school.

This whole thing is starting to scare me but at the same time, I'm not living in this world; someone else is.