Thursday, December 30, 2010

200 plus 1

After 200 blog posts... this being my 201st, I think I'm going to close this blog.
I have started a new blog. A blog I'm already very happy with.
New. Fresh. Happy. Changes.

This blog has been through so much. Ups and downs... so many downs. It's time for change.

It's time to be jenn :-)

Friday, December 24, 2010

happiness in blue

I'm standing in the bookstore killing time before we go get our traditional Christmas Eve dinner and there it is, in BRIGHT blue, a book that catches my attention: The Happiness Project.
I thumb through its pages and then immediately look at its prices: $25.99.

"I'm not paying that!"

Then I continue to read and think.

I'm not happy. Something is wrong with my life. I just might need this book.

So from here I'm going to walk to the register and purchase myself a Christmas present, a new beginning.

Sunday, December 19, 2010


Not too long ago I had a personal ad. That's how I met Construction actually.
Well, this weekend I decided to dig up that ad and read it, I was curious as to what I had written that was so captivating to this guy who is now so distant.

"I love smiles. I’m looking for a guy who will make me weak in the knees with his.
The sound of laughter makes me laugh. I want someone who is going to make me laugh or better yet, laugh with me.

I’m a mom and all the things that go with it. I’m more patient, understanding, open-minded, and a few other qualities someone might/should find important.
I'm a college student, an active board member for a local non-profit organization and I work in the local school system.

A guy that can go with the flow is a super bonus. A man who knows how to communicate his wants, needs and desires but is not going to forget to listen to mine. We get comfortable in life and our communication levels often stay on the surface. I like to think I’m deeper and more passionate than that. I want to know why the grass is green and the sky is blue. A simple yes or no answer does not always work for me. I will challenge you, because I want to be challenged.

I used to think I didn’t know what I was looking for but as time passes I’m becoming more aware that I really do know; it’s just a matter of finding that person."

So after reading that... I don't have that. I'm not seeing it. I've lost it.
The new year is coming and so are new changes. I'm tired of crying. I can't handle being depressed anymore. Anxiety is not friendly and to top it all off... I can't afford the medication that is supposed to keep me sane. Shit's deep around here; good thing I have some new Bogs!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I don't know where I am

My heart races. I can't breathe.

Is this depression? anxiety? bipolar? I don't know.
I do know I don't wish this on anyone. Anyone at all.

When it's good, it's good. When it's's really bad.
Sent from my U.S. Cellular BlackBerry® smartphone

Monday, November 29, 2010

feels good... feels fine

So here's the deal... and I almost hate to blog about it because I feel like if I do, I'm going to totally jinx myself but I need to write. My world is a mess. I'm a hot mess. Hello Train Wreck!!

I've been seeing this guy for almost 5 months. That is quite a while in my world. Why, it has yet to be determined. I'm used to super sonic speed in my dating world and things always crash and burn when that happens. They not only crash and burn... but they crash fast and burn hard.

This one is different. Slow different. I don't even know what to say, but after spending the weekend with him, having some conversations, not only with him but the shrink-- I feel at peace.
I feel like I'm going to be alright with continuing on with seeing this guy, even if things are super slow and completely out of my comfort zone... and even if my friends don't like him. I think I'm going to be ok.

I went to work today not feeling mad, angry or even sad... I just went to work. After work I went to the gym... ran 2 miles and did a short workout.
I went home and didn't drink... didn't feel like I had to. I ate salad and made one for tomorrow's lunch.

Changes... they're going to happen. It feels good... it feels fine.

Monday, November 22, 2010

single but not

I'm dating someone. Have been since the end of July. 
But here's the kick in the knees... he doesn't want a relationship. 
So in all reality, I'm still single. 

This is how a conversation I had recently went:

Random Guy: You Single?
Me: I am.
RG: Want to go out for coffee or something sometime?
Me: I'm dating someone
RG: I thought you said you were single?
Me: I am. 
RG: But you're dating?
Me: Yea, he doesn't want a relationship. 

Can you wrap your head around this one, because I can't.
Stepping back and looking in... I'm a friggin' idiot! 

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

bottoms up

I drink.

I never used to. At least not like I do now. Weekdays. Weekends.

Last weekend I drank and woke up not remembering a whole bunch of events from the night prior. I barely knew where I was.

Maybe you could say I have a problem, maybe you could say I don't because I've seen people who drink a hell of a lot more than I do, and DO a LOT worse than I do and/or have.

I know that if I don't do something, what-- I'm not sure- it is going to get worse. Way worse.
I have an addictive personality. I'll latch on to this and not let go. It WILL get worse and WILL get harder to kick.

I haven't had a drink since Saturday night. I want to really bad. I also want to dump every single drink I have in this house down the drain because what occurred Saturday night and Sunday morning put one hell of a scare in to me.

Like I said... I don't know who I am anymore.

I don't want the same people around me anymore. I don't want my job. I don't want to live in the same house. I want to start over somewhere; anywhere but here. I've already dropped out of school.

This whole thing is starting to scare me but at the same time, I'm not living in this world; someone else is.

b, b and well b

If I could live off beer, bacon and bread and NOT worry about getting fat (again)... I would!

Oh... and should I mention, drinking seems to have entered in to my world?

It has.


Tuesday, November 16, 2010


I don't know who I am anymore.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

I miss her.

... her crazy sense of humor
... her chocolate chip cookies
... her reading to me
... watching her do crossword puzzles
... always seeing a People magazine on the bedside table
... running threw her sheets right after she'd hang them up on the clothes line
... Eskimo kisses
... her compassion
... her passion
... her special nickname for me
... Connect Four
... her jewels
... the smell of White Diamonds
... our visits

In the end, all we have is memories.