a lot can happen in 8 years

8 years ago this week I had gastric bypass. A decision I have regretted about 90% of those 8 years.

My life has forever been changed. When I say forever, I truly mean forever.
My brain and my body image do not match. They never will.
Food is my enemy. I have nightmares about said enemy, where I will wake up in a cold sweat.

The days where I could eat a pizza, bag of chips AND guzzle a soda are forever gone.
Do I miss them? Hell yes!
There is nothing more convenient than popping open a soda, guzzling that shit down and calling it good.
But when I dig deeper into that question, no-- I do not miss it at all. Those things are what made me fat to begin with.

300 pounds fat.

My food choices still are not perfect, they never will be. Ya know, the whole enemy thing.

Once you have an eating disorder you'll always have an eating disorder!


But today something struck me while I was at the grocery store. A woman came up to me, a woman who herself has had gastric bypass, and she wanted to ask me a question about skin removal. (I had that done 6 years ago this week also)

She asked and I answered.
She then proceeded to tell me I was so beautiful, she just wanted to look like me.

Amazing.

I guess if anything, the past 8 years of crying, throwing up a million different kinds of foods, skipping on the red meat and soda, welcoming bipolar into my life, having friends not understand you, your surgery or your lifestyle just might have been worth it after all.

punched in the gut

Tonight Cole's father called, inviting him to go camping for the weekend.

To the average person this sounds exciting, but in our home this causes insane amounts of frustration and pressure.
Cole has a hard time being away for more than 2 nights and the fact that dad actually wants to do something as elaborate as camping was a shocker in itself.

Cole and I had a discussion about the camping trip, when it would happen and where it would be. At first he was excited but then... the anxiety set in.

He's not sure.

So much truth came out of my little boy's mouth tonight I'm not sure how to feel. I just know it's my job to protect him to the best of my ability but when the law says you must send your child to the other parents house, my hands are tied.

Cole is bothered by his dad "being old". The man is almost 51, I'm 30. So yes, to a 9 year old- he's OLD.
He smokes. This makes poor little Boy Child absolutely sick to his stomach. All those advertisements of the old corpse looking man that's smoking has my child scared to death!
I was informed tonight that when he goes with dad, "I get a funny feeling in my tummy."
Now having been a child of a divorce I know that feeling all too well. Especially when you don't trust the other parent. My son doesn't trust his father or his older brother.

I'm sick.

I casually said to him, "dad told me you tell him all the time you wished you two spent more time together..."
Cole immediately replied with no hesitation, "I say that so he won't get mad... or even sad"

I asked him if he says things to make me happy, and again no hesitation... "never momma, I tell you the truth."

I could only cry.

they add pleasure to life

I can't even put in to words how this video makes me feel, but I will tell you it hit close to home and it made me cry. A lot.

Please watch.

Q&A from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

throwing my hands up

"give up for good and he will show up"

That's the advice I was given today from a friend who has been in a crazy ass unstable relationship* for the past 12ish years.

Is that really true? If I just "give up" this person, whom I'm meant to be with, will just show up? Unexpectedly of course.

I'm not so sure I believe it. I've thrown my hands up. I've walked away. I've cried. I've even screamed and stomped my feet. Nothing.

I'm just not so sure anymore.

*but I still stand by her

Jose!

I vow to you I will become an alcoholic if next week is a repeat of this one.

My drink of choice?

Margaritas.

Fruity.
On the rocks with a nice salted or maybe a sugared rim!

I decided

Today would be a great day to graduate from college!

So I did!

an open letter

Dear Sir:

Your priorities are fucked up. Plain and simple. Get a clue.

Sincerely,

Someone who is sick and tired of being sick and tired.