feels good... feels fine

So here's the deal... and I almost hate to blog about it because I feel like if I do, I'm going to totally jinx myself but I need to write. My world is a mess. I'm a hot mess. Hello Train Wreck!!

I've been seeing this guy for almost 5 months. That is quite a while in my world. Why, it has yet to be determined. I'm used to super sonic speed in my dating world and things always crash and burn when that happens. They not only crash and burn... but they crash fast and burn hard.

This one is different. Slow different. I don't even know what to say, but after spending the weekend with him, having some conversations, not only with him but the shrink-- I feel at peace.
I feel like I'm going to be alright with continuing on with seeing this guy, even if things are super slow and completely out of my comfort zone... and even if my friends don't like him. I think I'm going to be ok.

I went to work today not feeling mad, angry or even sad... I just went to work. After work I went to the gym... ran 2 miles and did a short workout.
I went home and didn't drink... didn't feel like I had to. I ate salad and made one for tomorrow's lunch.

Changes... they're going to happen. It feels good... it feels fine.

single but not

I'm dating someone. Have been since the end of July. 

But here's the kick in the knees... he doesn't want a relationship. 

So in all reality, I'm still single. 

This is how a conversation I had recently went:

Random Guy: You Single?

Me: I am.

RG: Want to go out for coffee or something sometime?

Me: I'm dating someone

RG: I thought you said you were single?

Me: I am. 

RG: But you're dating?

Me: Yea, he doesn't want a relationship. 

Can you wrap your head around this one, because I can't.

Stepping back and looking in... I'm a friggin' idiot! 

bottoms up

I drink.

I never used to. At least not like I do now. Weekdays. Weekends.

Last weekend I drank and woke up not remembering a whole bunch of events from the night prior. I barely knew where I was.

Maybe you could say I have a problem, maybe you could say I don't because I've seen people who drink a hell of a lot more than I do, and DO a LOT worse than I do and/or have.
Excuses.

I know that if I don't do something, what-- I'm not sure- it is going to get worse. Way worse.
I have an addictive personality. I'll latch on to this and not let go. It WILL get worse and WILL get harder to kick.

I haven't had a drink since Saturday night. I want to really bad. I also want to dump every single drink I have in this house down the drain because what occurred Saturday night and Sunday morning put one hell of a scare in to me.

Like I said... I don't know who I am anymore.

I don't want the same people around me anymore. I don't want my job. I don't want to live in the same house. I want to start over somewhere; anywhere but here. I've already dropped out of school.

This whole thing is starting to scare me but at the same time, I'm not living in this world; someone else is.

b, b and well b

If I could live off beer, bacon and bread and NOT worry about getting fat (again)... I would!

Oh... and should I mention, drinking seems to have entered in to my world?

It has.

Sucks.

reality

I don't know who I am anymore.