I wish you would have taken the time

I wish you would have taken the time to know that sometimes I really don’t know.
I am my own worst enemy.
My thoughts and feelings often get in the way of each other, leaving me to feel like “I just don’t know.”

I am my own worst critic.
My skin isn’t right. I’m still not the perfect weight.
My thighs; oh my gawd- my thighs!!
My fingers are long; I don’t mind until someone takes notice then I become insecure.
My hair will never be how I want it; but that’s okay because that is one thing I can control when so many other things in my life are uncontrollable.

I wish you would have taken the time to know that some days it was and still is impossible to get out of my own way.
Get up, get moving, get going and motivate cannot be done in a motion as easy as 1, 2, 3.
That process, you see; he and I slow dance. Sometimes we don’t dance at all because I’m not a good dance partner. Other days, on rare occasion, I leave my dance partner behind because I’m doing the jitter bug so fast he cannot keep up.

I wish you would have taken the time to know that I wanted to share this with you and maybe learn more together but you see; I couldn’t.
I was scared, I’m always scared. I thought you, of all people would have never judged but when I listened to your conversations, your words blew me away. I had no idea you were capable of such thoughts. So I retracted and kept quiet; I even distanced myself. I was afraid of what to say, how to say it or how to act while your thoughts and ideas were expressed vocally, often unkindly, around me and that “dancing partner” of mine.

I wish you would have taken the time to know that I just wanted to feel safe and more often than not my hand in your hand made me feel that way. Sometimes I just needed a soft and simple touch from you for reassurance; that gentle touch to calm me and let me know “you were there.”

I wish you would have taken the time to know that I’m really sensitive; more sensitive and vulnerable than I’d ever care to admit and that hurts.

I wish you would have taken the time to know that I only complained about music choices because I wanted to share something with you. I knew we could eventually compromise but I was often disappointed. Would one of my song choices per every ten of yours been that big of a deal? Again, I just wanted to share our interests and open one another’s minds.

I wish you would have taken the time to know that a particular chore was so dreadful and daunting because in all reality, I cared. You caring about yourself would give me a longer time to care about and for you. I didn’t want to see you dead in 5 years.

I wish you would have taken the time to know that I do know you did the best you could, especially with what you had. It wasn’t what I wanted, it never is, but maybe it truly was all that you knew how to do or knew how to give. What is it with us always wanting more?

I wish you would have taken the time to know that when I picked out cards for you it would have taken me at least half an hour to find that perfect one and if I found more than one I’d buy it also because I knew you needed that one too; maybe not now, but soon.

I wish you would have taken the time to know that I have a favorite number; its 3. I take the 3rd drink back, 3rd magazine in, the 3rd newspaper down, and let’s not forget the 3 stone ring.

I wish you would have taken the time to know that I wanted you to do those little things, on your own, so I knew you cared; actions often speak louder than words.

I wish you would have taken the time to know you saying, “you’ve come this far” or “you can do it” always helped push me a little bit further.

I wish you would have taken the time to know that I tried. Dammit! I fuckin’ tried!!

I wish you would have taken the time to know that I have a million more things to say.

I wish you would have taken the time to know that I just needed you there.

{ ffffound! }