this isn't easy street

I may not be married, but this is still a huge topic of interest to me. I don't think you need to be married for this topic to apply to you, any and all relationships take work and sacrifice.

I had my suspicions this day would come, I just didn't think it would come this soon.
It's rocky. Again. It has been. Tense. Quiet. Push and pull.
I've stopped talking and so has he. Our relationship is yet again in trouble. There really isn't any other way to describe it at this point.

Tuesday I had lunch with a girlfriend, Mitch, to try and sort this out... again.
Randomly mid bite, I blurt out... "It's just easier to be a mom than it is to have a relationship!"
and the only way she could respond was to giggle. She doesn't know how to handle my randomness sometimes.

"Mitch! I'm serious! This is the longest relationship I've been in. 8 years and it's guaranteed to continue on."

My parents were married 18 years before they divorced, I was 13, and it was never fairy tale. My father was the money maker, he worked all.the.time. and if he wasn't working he was out hunting, fishing or the many other sporting activities he could do to escape my mother.
My mother on the other hand, spent her days sleeping, crying, or spending his money. When she was awake, she was mean, rotten and enjoyed punishing me. If she could find a reason to spank/hit me, she'd do it or send me to my room, she was right on top of it. That woman had sonar hearing and serious strength.

Due to my upbringing and Boy Child's SPD, you can bet your ass I am and will continue to raise Boy Child with different approaches.

I will not say parenting Boy Child has been all ponies, butterflies and rainbows, because it has not, but when I compare it to the relationships I've had, this has been a heavenly piece of chocolate cake.

Boy Child and I go through our motions and everything just works. It has, it continues to and I hope our future is bright.

Relationship wise... it all blows. There is work and sacrifices that seem to be on a completely different level. My image of "what a relationship looks like" is non existent. I didn't see it.
The relationships I've been in were not the greatest. I ended my relationship with The Mailman due to forms of abuse. No person in this world should ever have to experience that. Ever. There's more but that's enough for now.
My longest relationship after that; control issues. I wasn't allowed to be friends with males; he didn't see how it could be possible without sex being involved.

Other times, I've had short spurts of dating. It seems 3-6 months is a limit because that's when things become a little more personal, a little more comfortable and I can't allow that. I'm not going to put time and energy into something to see shit hit the fan later on down the road because deep issues rear their ugly heads.

If I ever enter into the commitment of marriage, I'm there, that's it. End of discussion. I either love you with everything I have, or I won't.