million miles a minute

I can't always be funny, witty, sasstastic or any other kick ass adjective because sometimes life just happens and feelings are there so I'm just "Trackin' It", ya know, trackin' life. Well today is definitely one of those days.

My mind is running a million miles a minute!

Heck, it's almost 11:30am and I still haven't showered, granted I still feel like ass and after all, it is Sunday but that really is no excuse.

Here's where it all begins... last night I was invited over to Jex's for dinner and to see the new house. I was supposed to go see Go-Go and get my phone looked at, fixed- whatever because it is yet again not doing what it should be doing and that is making me happy! But because I was feeling like crapolllllla I decided the half hour drive one way wasn't such a good idea; my phone really can wait, as can my phone happiness.

I should probably give you some background information about Jex since he's been around for a while and you probably haven't. I met Jex over 2 years ago on a Saturday morning when the Boy Child and I were shopping at walmart. We were in a hurry, I didn't have makeup on, and my hair wasn't done. Doesn't sound like a big deal but I NEVER do this. I even wear makeup when I go camping. So the boy child sees a little girl from his school, he has just started kindergarten this year and seeing kids from school out in public is super exciting to them, so these two run up to each other and start talking. This little girl, who I'll refer to as Lil Miss for now, has her dad with her and of course we're forced to talk. I'm so embarrassed- no makeup, looking like I was hit by a mac truck. So our cute little children introduce us and then off we go. Weird chain of events later we talk about dating, he reeeeally puts in an excellent effort but I just wasn't ready, I had just gotten out of a lengthy toxic relationship. We still remained civil, friends, talked and all that happy jazz though.

Now fast forward a year and of course, a series of weird chain of events. It is now November 2007 and we talk about dating and all the stuff that goes with it and heck! we give it a go!
Things are good with us, the kids are a battle sometimes, (2 only children combined and having to share attention... Oy!) combining families-- kudos to those who can do it!! A few bumps along the way, nothing we can't work through.

February comes... we're both commitment phobes, I don't need to explain what that means, but he's the one who flips like a light switch and I'm left wondering "What the FUNK man!?!" Just like that he decides he no longer wants this, he needs space...blah blah the typical male jackass excuse.
Well... this chic doesn't give up that easy... I go to his house, tears flooding down my face, and fight for what I want, what I believe in, what I think is right... long story short- we're back together.

I have knee surgery, I'm pretty much useless (I pushed my limits though) and he's amazing- helps me, helps Boy Child get through everything, heck my surgery was scheduled around HIS work schedule so he could help and I stayed at HIS apartment. He even took Boy Child shopping for my birthday to get me a Mother's Ring, it has a diamond (Boy Child's birthstone and mine) in the middle with a pink Sapphire (just because I like pink) on each side. A guy that buys jewelry! That's HUGE!

Now the kids start fighting, Jex's ex-wife doesn't like me so she's always causing some stupid immature drama. Why? No idea- she's just like that. 30something going on 13. Lil Miss says she doesn't want us together...and on and on. We ignore it, we work through it. We started talking houses, land, properties and all kinds of other ideas and options. I'm amazed and shocked. Wow! Is he for real? Is this real? Is he over his phobia? I've made it this far, my phobia hasn't even crossed my mind lately. Combining families is tough but we can get through it. I even took out books from the library about it so we could learn more, talk about it and figure out what to do. One said the adjustment period could take years! YEARS!?! But we can do it!

Fast forward to June... he flips again instead of talking! Whodathunkit? I tried to talk to him sooo many times but everything would get mumble jumbled and not solved- at all!

So it's over... just like that. I'm devastated. Crushed. I walk away. I'm not going to fight this time though, he wants to throw me away like that, throw us, everything-- then let him. I can't do it and I won't. Time goes by, he apologizes and I feel a little better actually. I still hate him some days and love him other days. He's on my mind way more than I want him to be or even should be. I even tried dating other people to see if the distraction would help... NOPE! Big fat negative.

I get a phone call in September while I was at school..."Jex is buying a house." I couldn't even speak. I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. I started to tear up and all I could mumble was "I'm at school... call you later." I didn't even know what to do or how I was supposed to feel. I was mad! I was sad. I was supposed to be sharing that joy with him. Just 3 months ago we we're talking about all those things. So I choked back the tears like I always do.

About a month ago we talked about giving it a go again but after some deep thought I decided I couldn't do it. I broke up with him before we even started. Maybe for the first time I'm going to admit I'm still scared and hurt. I had feelings I never experienced before. I had certain things and parts of my life that I still wasn't ready to tell him yet, but all that comes in time. I was comfortable but sometimes I found myself biting my tongue more often than I wanted. I was also thriving for other things that he wasn't giving but he might have been too. I love the little things and he's not exactly Mr. Romantic if you know what I mean. But we were still us.

If you've made it this far... you effin ROCK! {here's some chocolate}

Last night... I go over for dinner and as I'm pulling up the driveway, there's the porch/deck- whichever you prefer to call it and I say out loud "you bastard". It's exactly what I like, what we talked about in May. Oh dammit-- here come the tears! but I managed to choke 'em back.
It was so weird, as I was pulling into the driveway I didn't get that awkward feeling in my gut like I used to get at his old apartment after we split up. I pulled in, parked and it was like I knew where to go, my car just had that spot where it belonged.

I go inside and it was such an odd feeling. I had never been there before but that is not how it felt. Jex had boxes everywhere! He just brought the last of his stuff over that day so I had to cut him some slack but the feeling was different. I put my shoes in a spot, my jacket and my purse. I just found a home for them with no hesitation. Lil Miss gave me the tour of her new home which was nice because she's made Jex show everyone so far. We had dinner the normal blah blah... Lil Miss said her good nights and then it was just Jex and I. Ohhh boy! Can I do this? Can I handle it? We were on separate sides of the couch watching a movie. We did this when we dated-- I hated it, he wasn't very affectionate sometimes, he can't sit still, he fidgets, restless leg-- you get it. Drove me craaazy!

Next thing I know- the man is touching my hair. The affection I had longed for from him for months! Then he stopped and I asked him why he stopped... he said nothing but started again. I scooted over closer to him so I could put my head in his lap so he could keep doing it and I was instantly relaxed. I even noticed that he stopped fidgeting. Amazing. I couldn't keep my eyes open I was so relaxed. The feeling- the moment was indescribable but right. Something was different. I needed to go home, it was time to keep the moment just as it was.

This man has never been one for expressing his feelings because it's better and easier sometimes if you just don't; I'm guilty of this too at times. So today we have a brief conversation on Instant Messenger and it made me giggle and cry, I just couldn't choke back the tears. It's a good thing I'm home alone today.

it went something like this...

Jex: was just gonna send you a quick email.....a little "jenn" therapy.....c if it works.... (writing is "jenn therapy" and this makes me giggle- a lot)
Jex: but ur here...so.....
Jex: remember the other day u sent me a text about missing me? cant me off ur mind?
Jex: well...
Jex: last night.....
Jex: all i can think about today is how right it felt when u put ur head in my lap......(start the tears)
Jex: i stopped fidgeting for a bit....
Jex: my mind is going 150 million miles an hour today.
Jex: since the minute i woke up

Jex: well, i just wanted you to know how much im thinkng about you today....not really any more or less than any other day....just feelings are waaaaaay more intense than usual.
jenn: thank you for being honest and actually telling me how you feel
Jex: i wanted to sit down and write you a letter......but that will come in time. id rather tell u to ur face anyhow.
Jex: i gotta get back to work.....the more i sit, the more shit "k" comes up with for me to do!
Jex: ttyl!
jenn: sounds good- have a good day. ttyl

Now my mind is really racing... at a speed of a million miles a minute.