welcome... would you like a sticker?

Dear Retail Slave,

I know you love your job. Really, I do.

You see; I have been on your side of the counter. I know how it feels to hit that alarm clock 8,675,309 times in the morning before you finally decide to drag your ass out of that warm, comfortable bed you nestled yourself into the night before. I get that.

I know how much you love to stand there all day and listen to people tell you about their problems all within the short amount of time it takes for you to scan their purchases and take their money.

I know that your boss is a bitch, asshole or whatever other name you have come up with for him/her. Really, I get that. I'm pretty good at coming up with names for people myself when my cage has been rattled enough.

I'm aware that the co-worker three registers down from you is fucking the manager and you're pissed, because last week he told you he was divorcing his wife. Oh, let's not forget... your co-worker is not his wife.

I know your break was supposed to be half an hour ago. Your eyes are yellow.

Oh, it's your day off and you're working? It is 2009, screen your calls and stop bitching!

I know your back, legs and feet hurt.
Yes, those mats you stand on "for support" are a joke. I stood on those bastards the entire 11 months of my pregnancy. Those mats could not support me or the extra 85 pounds my body decided to consume. At the end of the day my legs were like small tree trunks; it was mortifying.

Those lights? Well slave, you're there to work and not worry about picking up a future love interest.

That muzak is enough to drive anybody crazy. We all know this. But it does make people spend money.

I also know that standing there all day having customer after customer come AT you can be overwhelming. I mean we're talking sensory overload here. I get that.

I know that, sometimes, falling asleep at night the only thing you hear is... beep...beep...blip...blip...beeeep.
You see numbers, customers and money.
All. Fuckin'. Night.

It is especially a bitch to handle more money in a day than you'll make all month.


But... you need to know this:

You need to not be a bitch.


And here is why....

I go into your retail hell with my list
I put my items from said list into the annoying squeaky cart
I then put said items onto your magic belt
You have to stand there... make your register go beep and blip.
I'm not going to bitch about my personal life because I have a shrink for that. (thanks though)
I give you my money, (swipe my own card so I don't give you anything) and go home with my new item(s)

...but the end result no matter what

my money = your paycheck

So... play nice or I'm asking for a comment card.