it's hell

Like every other person, some days are better than others, but my bad days are bad and my good days are good. Rarely, does there seem to be a happy medium.

I have bipolar and I live in my own personal hell.

There is a large stigma attached to bipolar disorder and few people really know what it is or what it is about.
Most people tip toe around those of us with this disorder because they think we’re “crazy”.

I encourage you to read up on this yourself because you might make a difference in someone else’s life. I suffered for many years alone, before I received any help or casually mentioned it to any of those closest to me; I still have a hard time talking about this, it’s crippling.

Bipolar is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.

I suffer extreme mood changes. I can be incredibly happy and excited about something and mere moments later I am going bat shit crazy about something that has pissed me off. Yesterday.

My energy levels change like the second hand on a clock. Day-to-day tasks are sometimes impossible… come by my house sometime unexpectedly; you’ll see.

Relationships have ended because people cannot handle bipolar. It’s exhausting. I cannot even handle my own illness. On a day that I am feeling particularly low, I’ll be asked, “what’s wrong?” When I answer with, “I don’t know” or “nothing” more often than not it’s because I don’t know or nothing is wrong. I cannot explain or describe what my brain is or is not doing. These rapid cycles put me through hell! When my energy levels are low, there is nothing in this world you can do to pull me out of it; or rather I have yet to find something that pulls me out of it. Then the days when my energy levels are high, I cannot even keep up with myself- never mind expecting those around me to keep up. I am non-stop from start to finish.

Bipolar cannot be cured but it CAN be treated. I take a handful of medicines twice a day, a pretty colorful cocktail of medicines, and life is looking better but I still have days. We ALL have days.

I work with a psychologist, nurse, and a therapist and I’m seeking a second opinion from another psychologist and his team.

I just want to feel better.

I want to function like a person and not someone trapped in a body. I feel like a matryoshka doll. I’ve released the 150 pound layer now I need to escape this hell layer!

There are days when I am severely depressed and sleep.all.the.time.

I have other days when I feel like I could function without sleep; the days when life is looking great and I could conquer the world!

I really could explain all the signs and symptoms of bipolar that I have, but I am so text book you would be bored. People all around us battle this daily, some know and many of those don’t.

When all is said and done, on my worst day I don’t need two handfuls of drugs, what I really need is a hug.